A few months ago I wrote an article that stirred some discussion on The Huffington Post. The premise of the article was that anyone going through a divorce should follow the example of media giant Howard Stern. My thought was that despite what you may think of him, he handled the demise of his marriage in a private and dignified manner that should be emulated by all. So with that example in mind, what could be more outrageous? When it comes to getting engaged, you should follow the example of Gene Simmons.
Now at this point, you may be thinking that I am completely crazy. Why would anyone look to this rock legend for anything to do with getting engaged or married? Gene is known for his antics not only on stage as one of the founding members of KISS, but also for his legendary antics with women off stage. Seemingly, a very poor example for a marriage- or is he?
In 2005, I wrote a book on relationships, marriage and divorce titled "What Were You Thinking??" As part of the book, I interviewed a variety of old and new friends in order to gain their perspective on getting married, and in many instances, getting divorced. One of my favorite interviews was with Gene Simmons because he understood and could articulate the risks of marriage.
Gene's philosophy has always been what I would call seriously "anti-marriage." I understood when I spoke with Gene for several hours about marriage, that his apprehension was probably based upon his father leaving his mother and him when he was a child. He did have long-term relationships with Cher and Diana Ross. But marriage, that was a non-starter. There was a fear of commitment and too many women to "meet."
I could have understood his entire philosophy, but in certain respects, it did not match up with what I was seeing that day. The whole afternoon that we were together at his palatial Beverly Hills home, his then long time partner, Playmate Shannon Tweed, was around constantly. And honestly, they acted like a very happy married couple. There were no cameras around, it was just us, and they acted like they were really in love. So much so that, I wanted to title his essay for my book "The Happiest Married Couple in America?" When the essay was submitted to Gene for approval, he would not allow me to reference marriage in the title, even satirically. So the essay ended up being titled "The Happiest Unmarried Couple in America?" Gene was that adamant about the dangers of marriage.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that Gene Simmons had finally proposed marriage to Shannon Tweed. What could have happened? I saw the clip from a recent "Joy Behar Show" where Gene and Shannon were interviewed. I thought their relationship was over after he made light of his infidelities during his relationship with her-she actually took off her mic and walked off the set. It was clearly not staged and you could see the pain in both Shannon's and Gene's eyes-it was actually uncomfortable watching it. Maybe Gene needed to see the potential demise of his relationship before he could appreciate its importance and ask the big question.
So all of that being said why is Gene Simmons a good example to follow in getting engaged? One word-time. Gene waited a long time to get engaged, to make the commitment of a lifetime. Yes, he obviously did much wrong during his relationship, and I am not condoning that in any respect. But these days, even with such a high divorce rate, people still rush in to marriage. Dr. Phil once told me words to the effect that people spend more time selecting their china pattern than they do on selecting their spouse.
If you are thinking about getting married, you also need to think about getting divorced. Take your time. Go slow. If you are engaged but have a feeling that the marriage may be a mistake, break it off--even if you are walking down the aisle. It is easier to break off an engagement than to dissolve a marriage. Think through the concept of spending the rest of your life with the person you are considering marrying. Half of first marriages fail-and that that potentially includes yours. I am not saying that you need to take 28 years like Gene Simmons did, but his example of not jumping in to marriage is worthy of being followed and will help you avoid the fifty percent chance of your divorce.
Follow Mark A. Barondess on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markabarondess
But Girls are raised to Their Fathers and Mothers hope they will get Married and Get them Out of their House and Give them Grandchildren
EVERY Married Guy I know was Not All that A Happy Married Guy..But after having Kids, they felt Committed to stay with Their Wives.. Butt, After the Kids grow up? It was Splitsville into different directions, but not Divorce.. He just Did more Sports/Golf and everything else and if she didn't want to Tag along? Then go do what you want to do.. Just don't Embarass me..
Why is Gene Proposing? He's Getting Old and doesn't want to Live alone.. He knows His KISS Band will so Disolve, ( Although His Son and other Younger Players ought to take it over, you wouldn't tell the difference)..
it was a business decision on his part. he would never have proposed if he could have gotten away with it.
The example of Simmons and Tweed is coherent, but injuring and dishonoring your mate is not the way to discover readiness for a life committment. When it comes to marriage, watch how well the relationship weathers the tests of time and conflict.
Fear of marriage is more likely coming from fear of loss of marriage--abandonment. I agree that using only signals of love and lust are not reliable methods for assessing whether marriage is right. Sometimes the best you can do is to realize you do not want to lose this person. So, rely on love and caring but make your final decision on whether or not staying is better than leaving, or whether leaving is worse than staying.
To go the distance, you have to accept bad times--the relationship bonds become so strained that you want to leave. These are the great tests of marriage but are not reason to wait 20 years to decide. If your aversion is in part from old traumas, then stay calm during the rough spots and renew the core connections as the dust settles. Acting out is a maladaptive. Better to take a separation, see a qualified therapist, or let time pass and try to talk it out.
Ronald Podell, MD
www.cbbsla.com
Gene Simmons? Dr. Phil?
No, really - kidding.....right?