THE BLOG
08/22/2008 11:44 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Press 1 for a Comcastically Good Time

Thank you for calling Comcast. For quality and training purposes, your call may be monitored or recorded. If you use the "F-word" more than twice, we will send the recording to God.

Please enter the phone number associated with your account.

For trouble with your service, press 1. For adding or upgrading service, press 2 to be immediately connected to Comcast's competent employee. For the reason you, loyal customer Mark Bazer, are calling--transferring service to your new home--press 3.

Please enter the phone number associated with your account.

For setting up an appointment to have your service transferred and then waiting at your home all Tuesday morning only to call and find out the Comcast customer service representative mistakenly scheduled you for Wednesday, press 4. Next, press 5 to tell the story to your wife and hear her say, "Maybe you did make the appointment for Wednesday."

Press 6 to have your Comcast service successfully installed. Press 7 to be given the form to sign off on the installation. Sign the form and then notice it says your service has been put under the name of the guy who sold you your new home. Press your head 8 times onto your living-room wall.

Press 9 to call Comcast, enter the phone number associated with your account and explain to a customer-service rep--after telling him the phone number associated with your account--what has happened. Press 10 to talk to multiple other reps before being assured that your service is now in your name. Press 11 to believe them. Then, press 12 to be transferred to Verizon to deal with your issues with them.

Bored one afternoon, go to Comcast's Web site to enroll in automated online billing. Please type into the Web site's enrollment form personal financial information you've long wanted Comcast to have.

A month later, after receiving two "Comcast Statement ready for viewing" e-mails, please log onto Comcast's site to see that not only is your account in your name but so is the account at the new home of the guy who sold you your home.

Please call Comcast, please enter the phone number associated with your account, and then please press 13 to take an hour to explain what was just explained above in one sentence. Press 14 to be switched to the proper department to explain it again. Press 15 to be finally, dramatically told, "What we can do is a 'name change.'"

Please say, "Sounds great--and obvious" until you are told that Comcast must e-mail a "name change form" for you to sign and then bring to a Comcast service center. Oh, and you also have to bring the form over to the new home of the guy who sold you his old home and have him sign it.

Press 16 to somehow find yourself agreeing to do Comcast's bidding.

Wait four days without receiving the "name-change form" e-mail before calling Comcast and pressing 17 to request another one. Press 18 to be told that the e-mail may take longer to arrive.

Press 19 to use up your two allotted "F-words" before the Lord is brought into this, while reminding Comcast that it sells Internet service.

Three days later, have a moment of clarity in which you decide to cancel Comcast, cancel everything else and live "off the grid." To do this, please press 20 and enter the phone number associated with your account.

XXX
mebazer@gmail.com
(c) 2008 Mark Bazer. Distributed by TMS.