02/11/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

10 Pressing Questions from the Golden Globes

I just finished watching the Golden Globes, and they left me with ten pressing questions. Let me know if you've got answers...

(1) Did Drew Barrymore ride over with the top down? What else could explain this hair?

Possible answer: She has thrown herself so completely into her role as "Little Edie" in the upcoming HBO movie based on Grey Gardens that she's decided she needs to look frenzied at all times.

(2) How is it possible that aside from a SAG Award and a BAFTA for Sense and Sensibility (in 1996!!), Kate Winslet has never won a major acting award until tonight?

Possible answer: Like Julianne Moore, Winslet has always been in the "she'll get one eventually" category, allowing folks like Hilary Swank, Jennifer Connelly, and Mira Sorvino to ride whatever freak wind was blowing that year.

But you know what? This year, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association clearly realized that my girl Kate has never given a bad performance. Ever. And that her stellar work in both Revolutionary Road and The Reader is all the more impressive because it maintains the ridiculous standard she has already created for herself.

And good for them. If somebody's gonna win two acting Globes in a single night, it damn well should be Kate Winslet. Sure, her speeches were crazily emotional---to the point where I was like, "I love you, girl, but can you act like Super Glue and get a grip?"---but if I'd lost all those previous awards, Lord knows I would freak out if I finally won.

(3) If the guy who was begging for change on the A train around 2:30 this afternoon can make ingratiating comments about the woman with the big hat, then why can't professional actors deliver even ten seconds of interesting banter before opening a damn envelope?

Possible answer: Honestly, I don't have one. When Jennifer Lopez came out to present the first award and was all, "Mama's talking!" to the chatty celebs, I had high hopes. But then came dead-eyed pauses, bad jokes, and mangled announcements from Martin Scorcese, Blake Lively and Rainn Wilson, and just about everyone else. It was so uncomfortable... like averting your eyes at Thanksgiving after your great uncle makes a casually racist remark.

Top prize goes to Sacha Baron Cohen, who managed to cynically plug his new movie, make the world's billionth joke about Charlie Sheen and hookers, and dis Madonna's failed marriage so cruelly that even the drunken Globers didn't laugh.

And by the way, being drunk is not an excuse for bad stage patter. If Sammy Davis, Jr. can hold his liquor, so can these people.

(4) If Tina Fey wins a Nobel Prize in Physics, will that make people start watching 30 Rock?

Possible answer: Maybe? It just won another armful of Golden Globes, after snagging 65 Emmys, a Tony, and two AVN Awards, but it's still not a hit. How many statues will it take for the best comedy on television to get better ratings than Dancing With the Stars 14: Jazzercise?

(5) During the Spielberg montage, what was that sound in midtown Manhattan?

Possible answer: Oh, that? That was my mind getting blown. Sorry about the carpet. It's just... see... I knew Steven Spielberg had made and/or produced a lot of iconic films and TV shows, but when I saw them all strung together like that, I reeled. Love 'em or hate 'em, his properties are pretty much the bedrock of filmed entertainment since 1975.

(6) Are the Jonas Brothers what's passing for cute these days?

Possible answer: Sadly, yes. Call me a snob, but Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Jon, and Joe were much more adorable.

(7) Is it strange how almost every winner in every acting category gave a performance that actually seemed worthy of an award?

Possible answer: Yes. Usually, you get some doozies, but this year's crop felt absolutely appropriate. Along with the double win for Kate WINS-let (and you'd better believe the entertainment press will wring the life out of that one), there were also delicious victories for Sally Hawkins, Laura Dern, Tom Wilkinson, Gabriel Byrne, and Mickey Rourke. How nice!

(8) Was Tracy Morgan's acceptance speech for 30 Rock funny or irritating?

Possible answer: Um... both? The "Obama won, so I get to speak" crack was funny, but then the "maybe I'm drunk" shenanigans were borderline nutjob. Thoughts?

(9) Why didn't Lost get any nominations?

Possible answer: Ask Amelie Gillette at The Onion. I'm stealing this question from her, but it's worth asking.

(10) Is Demi Moore the real-life version of Benjamin Button?

Possible answer: Looks that way. Because homegirl looked older in Striptease than she did tonight. Put her next to Robert Downey, Jr. and consider that they both were in the Brat Pack: He looks like he's aged past the clique, and she looks like she just joined up.

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