My buddy Mike Kelton and I were sitting around chatting about "mean gays" the other day. You know the ones I'm talking about: They're out every weekend, looking like they just walked out of a GQ photo spread, and they don't have time for you or anyone else. They're stuck-up and pretentious and have no souls, and you not only fear them but want to be them, or at least their new best friend. Here are 10 icebreakers that Mike and I have come up with for trying to canoodle with mean gays. When approaching a group of mean gays (they are most likely wearing oversized scarves and talking shit about people, one of whom may be you), take one or all of the following pointers and run with them. But do your research beforehand, so that you know what they fuck you are talking about.
1. Tell them how you are so over this season of RuPaul's Drag Race (even though you're totally not). When approaching a group of mean gays, it's essential to start the conversation with a complaint. Mean gays love complaining about everything, so take this opportunity to complain about this season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Even though you think it's the best season yet, chances are that the mean gays think otherwise and are ready to start bitching about it the second you bring it up. Even though the mean gays have no idea what good TV consists of (they frequently watch Hunting Season and The New Normal... actually, that one's not half bad), they can't wait to bitch about the new queens on Drag Race, so take notes next time you snuggle up in front of the TV with America's favorite drag queen.
2. Reference the White Party as frequently as possible. Whether you're talking about the actual White Party, which is a crazy shit show that happens every year in Miami, or Kyle's White Party on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the mean gays will think you are totally cool, because chances are that they've already booked their flights to Miami or just finished a conversation about Adrienne and Brandi's latest feud in Beverly Hills.
3. Mention an old tweet. Approach a group of mean gays and don't say anything original at all. Just bring up something that one of the mean gays tweeted or Instagramed last week, and get the conversation going from there. You fear the mean gays, but you also want to be one, so you're following them on every social media avenue you can, but not Vine, because really, who has time for that? Well, we do!
4. Mention Robyn. Mention a Robyn concert, song or interview; that will totally get you in good with the mean gays. They love Robyn and her expressive lyrics, even though they show no emotions whatsoever other than meanness. If you're feeling really sassy, bring up an acoustic version of a Robyn song, and tell them how you could so relate when she broke it down. They might shed a nonexistent tear and buy you a vodka/water.
5. Compliment their collarbones. This insinuates that they are skinny, and mean gays love being complimented, especially when it pertains to their looks.
6. Offer them a bag of cashews or some other low-carb snack. Be sure to always have snacks on hand (kind of like a soccer mom would, but with nothing containing high-fructose corn syrup). Mean gays are always hungry, because they literally never eat. So if you approach them at a bar and need an icebreaker, offer them a banana, a bag of cashews (lightly salted and non-flavored) or low-fat granola. Chances are that they haven't eaten in days (hence their meanness) and will appreciate the light snack.
7. Ask them how their membership at David Barton is working out. For those of you who don't know, David Barton is a high-end gym that a new visitor would think is a club, thanks to the loud music, the dim lighting and the fact that they serve champagne to guests. It's actually a gym where people really do work out, and any mean gay who is anybody has a membership there. It's super-exclusive, super-expensive and chock full of bitchy queens who spend more time taking pictures of themselves and watching themselves dance to Robyn in the mirror than actually working out. If you're trying to get in good with the mean gays, reference this gym as frequently as possible, or, better yet, get a membership for yourself. You won't be able to afford to eat for a week, but that's kind of the point.
8. Complain about the LIRR. You know that those mean gays will be on the beaches of Fire Island come Memorial Day, so be sure to say things like, "God, I hope the LIRR gets its shit together before tanning season starts." Even if you have no idea what you're talking about, the mean gays will know and think you're cool.
9. Ask to bum a cigarette (even though you've quit). Mean gays love smoking, but what they love more than that is giving it up. It gives them something else to complain about. So next time you encounter of group of mean gays, be sure to ask for a cigarette (even though you've quit). This will spark a conversation about how quitting smoking is the hardest thing ever that will continue for hours.
10. Ask them out. Mean gays are just like you and me: All they want is a little love. So ask them out. Who knows? Maybe they're not as mean as you think!
And there you have it: all the ways to speak to mean gays! They're not as mean as you think; navigating your way through gay culture is just tricky sometimes.