With Valentine's Day right around the corner and HBO's new series Looking heating up our television sets, the pressure to find a mate is felt more than ever this time of year. Now that I am in a relationship, I look back on my single days fondly. There are so many benefits to being single. Of course, I have only figured these out after committing myself to a serious relationship, because we always want what we can't have. Let's take a look at the perks of being single:
1. The Word "We" Doesn't Exist in Your Vocabulary.
When you're in a relationship the word "we" is said as frequently as you'd say: "I will not have bareback sex with you," at a sex club. "We love that restaurant." "We adored the movie." "We will not be having bareback sex with you at a sex club." When you're single there is no "we." It's all about ME, ME, ME! You can be a selfish bitch, and no one will fault you because you're single and people feel bad for you because all of your friends are married and you're not.
2. You Can Have Anonymous Sex.
Don't front. We've all gone through a whore phase at one point or another. And let's face it, being a whore is kind of fabulous. That's why everyone loves Samantha from Sex and the City. However, when you're in a relationship, being a whore is frowned upon and will most likely get you broken up with. Just be sure to play safe -- no one wants gonorrhea (trust me.)
3. You Can Explore.
Per number two, when you're single you can explore with several different partners to figure out what it is exactly that you like to do in the boudoir. Say you like to get peed on (ew, but hypothetically speaking). You can go out and find someone to pee on you, who also likes to pee on other people without judgements. If you're in a relationship and you ask your partner to pee on you and he or she is uncomfortable with it, you're not only ridiculed by your partner but you're forced to have several conversations revolving around: "that time you asked me to pee on you."
4. You Don't Have to Fake an Interest.
Even Shelly gets bored when Obama talks about his job from time to time. You know I know that's right, girl! And that's because it's really, really hard to pretend to give a shit about another person, especially when you're the world's most selfish piece of shit like I am. If you like to talk about yourself and no one else, being single is most definitely the way to go.
5. You Connect With Friends More Often.
When you're single, your friends are all you've got. So you get to see them a lot. However, when you're in a relationship, you have a built-in copilot who now preapproves all of your social activities, and if your friends are a group of dumb bitches like mine are, chances are your new partner will make you see less and less of them as your relationship progresses.
6. You Can Do Whatever the Fuck You Want.
I love doing whatever the fuck I want. When you're single, you don't have to answer to anyone, therefore you can do whatever you want, with whomever you want without saying, "Sorry, we've already made plans this weekend." Want to go on a weekend getaway to Vegas for three days of prostitutes and gambling? Well you can without your wife saying, "I don't think that's a good idea." Of course it's a good idea. Just go!
7. You're the Life of the Party.
Going to events by yourself is so much fun -- especially weddings. When you show up at events stag, you automatically become the life of the party because people are fascinated by the sole interesting creature who hasn't yet paired off. Also, getting laid at weddings is awesome, especially when it's from an out-of-towner that you never have to speak to again.
So you see, being in a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's just that Valentine's Day is around the corner, and Jonathan Groff's character on Looking is making you feel bad about being single. Being single is FABULOUS! Now go ahead, and own it!