The latest craze on social media seems to be Disney princesses. From gay guys to teenage girls, you cannot scroll through your Facebook newsfeed without a Buzzfeed quiz asking, "Which Disney Princess Are You?" or an article called, "If All Disney Princesses Were Replaced With Beyonce." Sure, these movies are timeless classics that never get old and sharing them with a new generation continues to keep these legends alive. However, when you really think about it -- would you really want your life to be like a Disney princess? Would Beyonce? When you get down to the bottom line of what really makes these women tick -- their lives are really not as glamorous as you may think.
Sleeping Beauty -
Let's talk about a girl who doesn't listen. For 16 years straight, girl is basically told: "Whatever you do under any circumstances, do not touch a spinning wheel. Ever. Like, don't do it." The first time one is presented to her -- what does she do? She touches the damn thing. Granted being raised by three fairies would be friggin amazing, Princess Aurora doesn't know how to listen. It's also not very clear how long she sleeps for after touching the spinning wheel. Given her curse results in her sleeping, never to age until she's awaken by love's first kiss, we could very well enter into a statutory rape situation by the end of this tale.
Beautiful, gracious and loving, Cinderella has all of the qualities that make for a perfect Disney princess. She's also got a good work ethic (she's a cleaning lady) and a colorful imagination (she talks to mice and birds). For whatever reason, Cinderella never thought about simply walking out of her stepmother's house after she decided to hold her captive for years, which doesn't really make her much of a forward thinker or that bright. It's also a bit unrealistic that a prince would fall in love with Cinderella after only an hour of knowing her and wouldn't dump her after he sees her living conditions and bouts with schizophrenia (a fairy godmother? Bitch, please).
Snow White -
Poor thing. First her evil stepmother, The Queen, forces her to do menial labor. Then once she escapes her clutches, she's taken in by a group of small men who force her to do their housework and bidding. As if that isn't bad enough, apparently Snow White never learned not to take candy (or fruit) from strangers. All I know is, if an old hag came up and presented me with an apple to eat, I would beat her with a stick and run as fast as I possibly could in the other direction. But of course that doesn't happen because our gal Snow never learned the simple things you learn from a basic kindergarten curriculum. Some time passes and the small men preserve her in a glass coffin (gross), then a grown man comes along and kisses her, awakening her from her slumber. According to Disney, she is 14 years old when this happens (double gross).
Not the brightest crayon in the box. When she first meets Aladdin, he is a "street rat" who saves her from having her hand chopped off. Moments later, he shows up at her palace in a turban and with a new name but she's not sharp enough to catch that it's actually the same person. Jasmine gets mad props however because she is the only Disney princess who has a tiger as a pet, and her body looks banging when Jafar turns her into a hooker and locks her up in an hourglass.
Come to think of it, Mulan really does have it going on. She looks good as boy or a girl and can kick some major ass. Why don't more young girls aspire to be like her? After all, her singing voice is Lea Salonga. None of those other ladies can say that, now can they?
Girl has got it going on as far as book smarts are concerned. She's well read and sassy enough to see that Gaston is a total dick and deserves those stupid blond girls who are always following him around. However it's quite apparent that in all of Belle's reading, she never brushed up on the classics like the Patty Hearst story because girl has a serious case of Stockholm syndrome. Yes, it would be amazing to live in a castle filled with enchanted objects (or even just Angela Lansbury), but the Beast has some serious anger issues and is holding Belle captive from her family. Ya'll might think that's romantic, I however, think it's extremely creepy.
No man is worth leaving your entire family and a sea full of dancing fish and crabs that play instruments made out of shells and clams for. Not even if he is as hot as Prince Eric. Ariel isn't that sharp (she thinks a fork is a comb, etc.) and falls for Eric even though he isn't smart enough to realize that Vanessa (posing as Ariel by using her voice) isn't the same person he fell in love with in the first place. This little love triangle would be wonderful on a daytime television show, but I much prefer a man who won't be confused by the first pretty thing that walks his way.
Which Disney princess are you now that they're not as fabulous as you once thought? Personally, I would be Pocahontas -- mainly because I am constantly breaking down racial barriers with my sass, and if I were a cartoon character I would be voiced by Judy Kuhn.
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