THE BLOG
02/08/2013 08:32 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

New York Gays vs. Los Angeles Gays

The rivalry between the gays in New York City and the gays in Los Angeles is as longstanding as gangster-rapper competition and Alexis and Krystal's feud on Dynasty. For years the fine, upstanding residents of both hamlets have fought over which city is better to live in if you're gay. It's one of life's greatest mysteries, like, "What makes the sky blue?" or, "Where do babies come from?" -- unanswered by the greatest minds... until now. I believe it's time to put this fight to bed and get to the bottom of which city is better to habitate if you're a homosexual.

The Fashion: While the gays in L.A. have their defining fashion moments, New York City is considered, along with Paris and Milan, one of the fashion capitals of the world. It is also home to every aspiring fashion blogger who feels the need to posts photos of his outfits (or "looks") every morning on Facebook, as if anyone gives as shit, in the hopes that an editor from GQ will randomly check his Facebook page and be like, "Wow, that kid dresses well! Let's hire him!" I care as much about what you're wearing this morning as I do what you've eaten that day. Whatever. The winner: New York.

The Nightlife: If this were 2000, New York would be the clear victor in this category; however, things change, and Los Angeles has NYC beat in every way. Nowhere in the country but in West Hollywood can you literally walk down one street -- one street -- and not only hear every song from the Britney Spears catalog but have a variety of gay bars, lounges and clubs. The best part? Unlike the more uptight homos in New York, the gays of West Hollywood... well, they just don't give a crap, and anything goes. The winner: Los Angeles.

The Climate: In New York it's currently 30 degrees, with a full-blown winter storm happening. The winner: Los Angeles.

The Professionals: In keeping with that Southern California coolness, people in Los Angeles are far less concerned about what you do and more concerned about what you look like. People in L.A. never seem to work much at all, and it is one of the only towns that I have ever been to where porn stars and strippers are put on a pedestal. You may call that slutty, but I call it entrepreneurial. However, there is something about New York that drives people to work harder for a better life. I guess it has something to do with the fact that Ellis Island is right around the corner and people there are still fighting for that American dream or some shit. Nowhere else on the planet is a 14-hour workday not only accepted but the norm. The winner: New York.

The Gayness: Sure, New York has the Stonewall and is the birth of gay pride, but West Hollywood has a crosswalk that is painted the colors of the goddamn rainbow flag. I, for one, have never seen anything gayer. The winner: Los Angeles.

The Attitude: Gay men are notorious for having this unwarranted attitude toward each other and, well, everyone else. If you are looking for hard stares, uncomfortable banter, dirty looks and men saying horrible things about each other because they are so upset with themselves that they need to make everyone around them feel uncomfortable, New York trumps Los Angeles. The winner: New York.

The Lesbians: Where would gay men be without their lesbians? Who would do our woodworking or carry our children for us? Both towns have wonderful groups who love women-on-women action; however, unlike Los Angeles, where the dykes are tanned, toned and ladylike, New York's lesbians are gritty, burly and look like they are ready to rewire a lamp at a moments notice. Quite frankly, that's how I like them, because if you're going to be a lesbian, you may as well live up to our stereotypes of them. The winner: New York.

The Real Estate: I don't think there is any other place in the world where it is acceptable to live in a 100-square-foot apartment that overlooks an alleyway that smells like crap and pee. However, in Los Angeles, the apartments are bigger, and not only that, but they have (gasp!) actual houses. Houses that you can decorate and (get this!) invite people to parties in. You New Yorkers may love the crack dens you call homes, but I would take a McMansion in Beverly Hills over a rat-infested duplex on Eleventh Avenue any day. The winner: Los Angeles.

The Transportation: Ever feel like getting groped by a homeless person at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday on your way to work? Then New York is the place for you! New York has by far the most well-planned and efficient public transportation system of any city in the country. Sure, I love sitting in L.A. traffic, blasting "Where Have You Been" by Rihanna on repeat while ripping an amount of cigarettes that would have made Lucille Ball's head spin, but I like to be on time, and I never am in L.A. The winner: New York.

The Men: I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Bodies be right in West Hollywood. Like, super right. And when you only work for three hours a day, you have the time to go to the gym for hours on end. But for me at least, there is something about the men in New York that puts a smile on my face. Men who live in New York have an edge. They look hard, like they've been through the shit and back. Men in Los Angeles don't have a care in the world and are all fucking gorgeous as hell, but in my book, a gritty man who has worked 12 hours a day every day for the past 10 years and has no money to show for it because his rent is too damn expensive is sexier than hell. The winner: New York.

The Culture: New York is home to the world's finest in ballet, opera and theater, but let's face facts: You only go to those things when there's nothing else to do, or when a friend invites you for free. Los Angeles, on the other hand, is the home of the film and TV industry. Everyone likes those things. Even your friends in New York who think all television is trash still own one. Don't front. The winner: draw.

So you see, there are good things about both the gays of New York and the gays of Los Angeles; it just depends on what you're looking for. However, the funny thing about the gays in each city is that as much smack as they talk about the other town, when you live in New York, all you can do is think about moving to L.A., because it's too cold in New York, and when you live in Los Angeles, all you can think about is moving to New York, so that you can get out of your car and submerge yourself in culture. I suppose it's a catch-22. However, just like Madonna, who wants to continue to have us accept her as an artist and not an over-the-hill hack, these two towns and their gays are loud, proud and here to stay.

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