04/17/2013 12:28 pm ET | Updated Jun 17, 2013

Six Reasons Why Kim Jong-Un Scares the Sh*t Out of Me

You guys, I'm scared. In fact, I'm so scared that I'm scured. There is some crazy ass shit going on over in North Korea these days and quite frankly, it's starting to piss me off. And there is one man to blame for it: Kim Jong-un. Normally, I have no problem with Koreans (white girls on the other hand, I always have a problem with) but this little fucker is making some pretty serious threats that are shaking me to my core. Here is why Kim Jong-un scares the shit out of me:

1. He Yells Loudly in a Language I Don't Understand.

You know me -- I love all of God's children. Unless of course, they're threatening to nuke my country -- to which, I take great offense. People who yell in languages other than English tend to yell 10 times louder and ten times meaner. For example: when I used to live in Spanish Harlem next a place that killed chickens, the Latino men were always yelling loudly and while I'm sure they were just excited, they always sounded angry. Also, when you leave Future World at EPCOT and wander off to the World Showcase all of the sudden it's 10 times louder. So, while I have no idea what the fuck Lil Kim is always yelling about, I'm pretty sure, it's not good.

2. His Wife Is Apparently Mute.

And you know what that means, bitch is hiding some serious secrets. KJU's wife is usually seen chilling by his side, kind of like Beyonce and Jay-Z cause she's a ride-till-I-die kinda girl. Unlike Beyonce however, Kim Jong Un's wife is always seen but never heard. It's my belief that she is hiding government secrets and I also think she knows who killed J.R. on Dallas.

3. He's Short.

I have this crazy fear of midgets due to the fact that my older brother made me watch Twin Peaks when I was a little kid. While Kim Jong-un is not officially a midget, he is short which translates to him being more mobile than say Osama Bin Laden or Kim Kardashian. It's my belief that if the really shit hits the fan in North Koran, KJU has a secret network of trees to hide in filled with Keebler Elves and garden gnomes who will all do his bidding for him. In short (ha!), small people are terrifying. For reference: please see Napoleon or Kristin Chenoweth's Oscar pre-show coverage.

4. He's Angry All the Time.

Come KJU! You run a country, you can't be that pissed all the time. I'm going to need you to go ahead and look into whatever the North Korean equivalent to Paxil is and get a script ASAP.

5. He's a Communist.

True, all communists aren't bad, they're just crazy (example: Lucille Ball was a communist -- seriously) I just don't like how this situation could potentially pan out. American's don't have really have the greatest track record when it comes to defending Asian countries divided by Communism. And I still have a lot of misplaced angry towards Hitler that I am ready to redirect your way, Lil Kim.

6. The Motherfucker Is Younger Than I Am.

His actual year of birth is unclear (due to the fact that he may have been raised by gypsies, jk, I made that up) but what is clear is that he is younger than I am. I am frightened of people who are younger than I am that wield more power than I do. That list includes: Demi Lovato (even though she looks forty), Justin Beiber, that girl from Victorious and now Kim Jong-un.

And so tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to pray to Baby Jesus, Hillary Clinton and Goldie Hawn (or as I like to call them, "The Holy Trinity") that this man goes away and leaves me and my country alone forever. Either than or we get him before he gets us and force him to be in some sort of reality competition show. 'Cause I'd probably watch that.