Since being gay is a choice, I decided when I woke up today I would be straight. Here's what happened.
8 am: I wake up. My alarm clock is blaring "Toxic" by Britney Spears and I quickly turn it off. Yesterday, when I was a homosexual, I most likely would have enjoyed such music, but today I'd prefer sleeping with Britney Spears than actually listening to anything she has to say or sing.
8:15 am: I pour myself a cup of coffee and go into my bathroom to prepare for my day. I take a peep around the medicine cabinet and notice that there seem to be an endless amount of hair products, body lotion, fragrances and a big bottle of something called "gun oil." I have no idea what to do with any of these products so I splash some water on my face, run my fingers through my hair and I am ready to go.
8:23 am: After conquering the bathroom, I walk into my kitchen to find something to eat for breakfast. I search the refrigerator for something edible, but all I can find is non-fat yogurt, egg whites and whole-wheat English muffins. I skip breakfast; grab my gym bag and head out the door.
8:46 am: On the subway, I thumb through the New York Daily News to see what's going on in the world. Apparently, the lady from Hocus Pocus is doing some sort of one-woman show. This probably would have piqued my interest yesterday, when I was sleeping with guys, but today I am simply confused by it. I flip to the sports pages and instead of finding out who won the big game last night, I realize that football has been over for months and baseball still hasn't started yet. I suppose I could feign an interest in hockey, but even I don't care for that very much. It's a tough to be a straight guy these days.
9:04 am: I grab a donut and head into my office. As I walk by my co-workers, they stare at me as if I had come to work drunk. They're probably confused because today I am straight so I am not wearing a flashy tie or a pocket square. Instead, I am wearing the beat up suit I wore to my college graduation, socks that don't match and a shirt that had some sort of pink stain on it (possibly from my ill-fated attempt at making homemade blueberry muffins the other day, when I was gay.)
10:52 am: My lesbian sister calls. She asks why I am straight today and I ask her why she continues to think that homosexuality is genetic.
12:09 pm: My alleged "best bud" at work, a male homosexual named Pete comes into my office and asks if I want to have lunch at some place called "The Out Hotel." I opt not to and instead go to a sports bar. I eat a lunch that consists of chicken fingers and French fries. The bartender brings me a Diet Coke and I nearly lose my shit. Suddenly, I have lost the taste for artificial sweetener and almost lose my lunch. I try to find some highlight show to watch on TV but there's nothing going on except college basketball and while I may be straight today, even that bores the shit out of me.
1:23 pm: I'm back in my office and Pete comes in looking disheveled. When I ask him what happened in the past hour, he proceeds to tell me that we need to have "girl talk" later and exits my office. I wonder why two grown men would be speaking like girls and ignore Pete altogether.
2:32 pm: I start to notice the receptionist is a little bit more and go over to speak to her. Apparently her name is Robin, and when I ask her out on a date she asks me if we will be having flirtinis and going on a manhunt like the last time we went out. Apparently, I am going to have to change jobs if I am going to be straight because all of the women in the office and I seem to be lifelong friends and are not interested in me sexually.
5:01 pm: I head to the gym after work. Upon entering; I hear loud techno music and the only people I see around me are extremely well toned men. I begin to wonder if this gym serves champagne because I feel like I am in a club.
5:46 pm: As I am doing squats at the gym, a Latino gentleman named Tito comes over to me and asks me why I never called him back the other day. I tell him that I am straight today and he laughs in my face. He smacks my ass when he walks away and says something about how I was a firecracker in the bedroom. I feel alone and scared.
6:47 pm: I decide that since I am straight now, I will go to a singles bar to see if I can pick up a girl. I order a beer and stand in the corner and look around the room but all I see are couples -- everywhere. I ask the bartender if I am actually at a singles bar and he tells me that yes, I am but I have come late because happy hour is over in thirteen minutes and everyone has already paired up for the evening.
8:26 pm: I get home and decide to watch some TV, but the only things I have saved on my DVR are taped episodes of Revenge, Glee and The View. Apparently, straight me and gay me have very different taste in television so I opt to watch reruns of CSI because it's the only thing on my television that seems remotely entertaining, which isn't saying much.
10:09 pm: I brush my teeth and while I am, I notice the anti-wrinkle cream in my cabinet. I wonder why I would ever need that and close the vanity after I am done washing up.
10:15 pm: I lie in my bed and pray that when I wake up tomorrow, I will want to be gay again. Being straight is tough and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy.