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10 Best Topical Jokes of the Week

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© 2011 Image created for Mark Miller by Nancy DeFrance

Oprah Winfrey announced on her show Monday that she has discovered she has a half-sister, who she met for the first time last November. The half-sister has just changed her name to Ka-Ching.

Oprah Winfrey on Monday revealed on her show that she has a long-lost half-sister and called it "the miracle of all miracles." Jesus responded, "What am I, chopped liver?"

It was reported Monday that Chicago Bears quarterback had tears in his eyes after he learned that other players were questioning his toughness for leaving Sunday's NFC Championship Game with a knee injury. To prove his toughness, he crushed his DVD collection of "Oprah" shows with his bare hands.

Optometrists are saying that as many as one in four people get queasy while watching 3D television sets. And it's an even higher percentage if the TV sets are turned on.

A restaurant in Arizona has canceled plans to offer African lion meat tacos after receiving numerous complaints and threats -- from African lions.

MTV announced that the fourth season of Jersey Shore will take place in Italy. Italy responded, "Hey, what'd we ever do to you?"

The Department of Homeland Security announced Thursday that the color-coded terrorism alert system is being phased out. Replacing it will be a Disney character alert system. By the way, we are now on Goofy Alert.

This week, Comcast officially took control of NBC Universal. Next on Comcast's control list -- Poland and Germany.

Police in Germany say that a Turkish man living in the country has turned to them for protection from his wife's constant demands for sex. Police immediately took her into custody and said she could stay as long as she liked.

Ambam, a gorilla at a British animal park, has become an internet sensation after video was posted of him walking upright on his hind legs like a human. Next challenge for Ambam -- doing his taxes.