10/26/2011 11:53 am ET | Updated Dec 26, 2011

5 Biggest Secrets Women Don't Want Men to Know

BETHESDA, Maryland -- Women, often considered "the Mysterious Sex," will now be a bit less mysterious thanks to the recently leaked document, "5 Biggest Secrets About Women They Don't Want Men to Know!" They eye-opening document was leaked by an insider at the all-female National Women's Research Institute, in Bethesda, Maryland. "When we find out which of our employees leaked those survey results," states NWRI spokeswoman Melanie Aroyan, "she'll be fired -- and sued. And if it was up to me, she'd also be horse-whipped."

The document consists of the survey answers of over 10,000 women of all ages and ethnic groups to the question, "As a woman, what is it about you that you would never want men to know?" The survey results were never meant to be revealed to men, as they represent the deepest secrets women have about their gender.

Here, from the survey's summation page, are the 5 Biggest Secrets About Women They Don't Want Men to Know:

1. Women's Public Bathrooms Are Lush Havens Beyond Men's Wildest Dreams. If a man mistakenly enters a woman's public bathroom, he'll see what appears to be an ordinary restroom. Only women, however, know the location of the secret sliding panel in each women's restroom that opens to reveal the hidden, deluxe section. This section features wild, tropical plants; hunky, naked male models offering sensual massages; the live music of a classical quartet; a jacuzzi and sauna; luscious gourmet foods and wines; attendants offering manicures, pedicures, and bikini waxes; an upscale clothing boutique; and current movies on large-screen TVs.

2. Women Are Just Pretending to Have Periods. There's no such thing as menstrual cycles and periods. It's something women simply made up to give themselves a one-week reprieve from men's non-stop groping and pawing in bed. And, yes, the tampon companies are all run by women and are in on the scam. Women get a refund check from the tampon companies at the end of each year for a percentage of their tampon purchases.

3. Women Crave Sex Even More Than Men Do. If men knew that, though, it would throw off the whole balance of sexual power that is now clearly in women's favor. For this reason, women must maintain the illusion that what's between their legs is gold and to be rationed judiciously.

4. Every Woman is Bisexual. Women just pretend to be upset when a relationship with a man comes to an end. In reality, that's their perfect opportunity to immediately begin or resume a passionate relationship with one of their many hot female friends.

5. Women Will Take Over the Planet in the Year 2025. Since it has already been proven that women are smarter, more resourceful, emotionally stronger, more attractive, and live longer than men -- it only makes sense that they, and not men, should run the world. They have been planning to take over the planet for the past 150 years. They hope to do so in a non-violent fashion, but are nonetheless prepared to do so by any means necessary.