05/13/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Attention, Women: Inner Workings of Men's Brains Revealed!


The hip, cutting-edge magicians, Penn & Teller, are often resented and discredited by more traditional magicians, because the bad boys of magic invariably give away the secrets of how their tricks are done, as part of their show. They commit what the other magicians see as the cardinal sin: revealing the sham behind the illusion.


In order to educate the fairer sex, I am about to embark upon a similar endeavor, at the risk of incurring the wrath of my entire gender. My agenda is to reveal to women vital information about men, which up until this moment was understood only by Dr. Phil and the woman who answers the phone when you call 1-900-HOTCHAT -- yes, to reveal the sham behind the male illusion.


What follows, then, is a woman's guide to the inner workings of a man's brain. Read it and weep. And, just a short note to my male readers -- please don't hate me because I am honest.

Cerebrum. Cerebral hemispheres control speech, memory, and intelligence. Although it's the largest component of the brain, whenever a man approaches a beautiful woman, it invariably shrinks to the size of a sesame seed. If he gets shot down, the cerebrum releases a defense-mechanism enzyme which convinces the man he's better off without her, as she's no doubt a lesbian.


Cerebellum. Responsible for coordinating movement and maintaining balance. Used primarily when a man has had eight beers and is endeavoring to make his way to the bathroom without tripping over the dog and pulling the fish tank over on top of them.


Hypothalamus. Influences sleep, appetite, and sexual desire. This is the brain part most valued by men. It is used most fully on Saturday nights, when men have sex, scarf down some pizza, and then drop off on the couch, dead to the world.


Cartoid and vertebral arteries. Feeds the brain and its components with oxygen and nutrients. This brain part is optional for Motor Vehicle Department clerks, television programming executives, and men whose given name is Bubba.


Occipital lobe. Receives and analyzes visual information. Example: "Ooh, check out that state-of-the-art sports car, which costs three times my yearly salary. I think I can swing it if I cut back on food, rent, and medical insurance. I hope that it's available in metallic blue."


Temporal lobe. Deals with sound. Responsible for convincing man singing in shower that he is smoother than Enrique Iglesias. Also automatically drops voice three octaves when he is introduced to a woman he finds attractive.


Medulla. Controls breathing and the heartbeat, both of which stop during the viewing of any televised sporting event.


Cranial nerves. Control eye and tongue movements. Used primarily at the beach, in response to noticing any woman in a thong bikini within a five mile radius. Pupils become dilated; involuntary drooling occurs. Often accompanied by a swat on the head from one's date, together with the man's exclamation, "What woman?!"


Corpus callosum. A massive bundle of nerve tracts connecting the brain's two hemispheres. In many men, these nerve tracts are non-existent, resulting in the impulse to purchase lifetime subscriptions to Penthouse magazine and, while cruising in one's car and spotting any woman under 70, rolling down one's window and making tiny sucking sounds at her in an attempt to prove one's value as a suitor.