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Bible Translated Into Redneck

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2010-09-09-nascarbible.jpg
One of the Redneck Bible's current editions.

TUSCUMBIA, Ala. - Jimmy Joe Farnsworth would be the first to admit he came from a long line of rednecks. "Heck, I'm proud of it. You might call it a family tradition. Now, don't get me wrong - we were religious, too. Church every Sunday. Good deeds. Read the Bible. Didn't understand much of it, but I read it. Used to tell myself, 'Jimmy Joe, one day some smart fella's gonna go ahead and translate this here Bible into Redneck, so's we can finally figure out what it's talkin' 'bout.' Little did I know that smart fella would be me. See, I got tired of my hobby, whittlin', and I was lookin' 'round for something else to occupy my spare time, glanced over at that confusin' Bible, and, well sir, it was like I had a calling from the Lord hisself."

Farnsworth spent the next three years translating the Bible into Redneck. "I never worked so hard in my life. And if I got stuck or ran into something I couldn't understand, I just asked the smartest person I know - my wife and sister, Lurleen, who happen to be the same person." While Farnsworth searches for a publisher, he agreed to reveal a selection of his Biblical translation work. Here, in advance of publication, is just a taste of Farnsworth's Redneck Bible:

  • 'For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his favorite shirt with the sleeves cut off?'

  • 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; belch and say your name at the same time.'

  • ' The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want six-packs.'

  • 'As you sow, so shall you use your pocket knife as a toothpick.'

  • ' The truth shall make you free - roadkill shall make you full.'

So far, the book is a hit, at least locally, according to Farnsworth. "The friends I've given it to have gone plum crazy over it. And if it's successful, I been thinkin' - I just might do a Redneck Shakespeare, too! Nobody understands that dude, neither."