THE BLOG
04/28/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Coffee Date's Hidden Thoughts - Revealed!

2010-02-27-coffeedatetimnyberg.jpg

On a typical coffee date, because we're meeting for the first time, awkward conversation comes with the territory. Neither of us completely reveals what we're thinking or feeling. We're shy, holding back, concealing, putting on a good face, feeling the other person out.

How much more interesting the first date would be if we both were to communicate our true emotions! Still, those actual thoughts and feelings are definitely present, whether uttered or not. They're simply bubbling under the conversation's surface. Biding their time until we feel more comfortable and trusting with one another.

For instance, take this (nearly) verbatim transcript from one of my coffee dates. All un-uttered thoughts have been italicized for the protection of the emotionally fragile.

Me: Laurel?
Here I go again. Date #163, but who's counting? At this rate, by next May I'll have dated every unattached woman in the city. At which time I'll have to start importing them from other countries and taking Berlitz classes.

2010-02-27-voulez_vous_coucher_avec_moi_tshirtp235100967882624792tdf9_210.jpg

Laurel: Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.
Dear Lord, please don't let this one be a stalker, a jerk, or have serious psychological issues like the last six. I believe I've reached my annual quota for restraining orders.

2010-02-27-jerkpic1.jpg

Me: Should we get some coffee and sit down?
And then decide within ten minutes whether there's a chance we might eventually see each other naked, or, and most likely, never see each other again?

2010-02-27-coupleoncoffeedate.jpg

Laurel: Sounds good.
Looks like I'm gonna have to train this one how to dress, make eye contact, speak, stand up straight, and do something with that hair. Yep, this one's a definite fixer-upper. Again. Dear Lord, just shoot me now.

2010-02-27-geek2.jpg

Me: So, have you been doing this Internet dating thing long?
Exactly how many guys have you rejected, and how many have rejected you? Be specific. You have five minutes to answer. Show all work. Begin.

2010-02-28-32109ClipartIllustrationOfAQualityControlRejectedStampOfARedXInACircleOnAWhiteBackground.jpg

Laurel: You're actually only the first coffee date I've been on.
Today. The sum total of all my coffee dates could fill Dodger Stadium.

2010-02-27-Dodger20Stadium.jpg

And it's always I who do the rejecting, because I am perfect and they are flawed. Capiche? So unless your own perfection level approaches mine, you might as well start heading over to the stadium right now.

Me: What are you looking for in a relationship?
Are you a) High-maintenance? b) Emotionally needy? c) Nuts?

2010-02-27-toffee_nutcase.jpg

Laurel: Oh, I don't know. I guess the usual - chemistry, shared goals, friendship.
A man with Brad Pitt's looks and Bill Gates' bank account, who can make me yodel in bed. That specific enough for you, Sparky?

2010-02-27-6a00d8341c6d1d53ef0105361d11d6970b800wi.jpg

Me: What kinds of things do you like to do for fun?
And please, know that the Red Flag Alert goes up immediately with any hint of chick flicks, shopping, or eating at restaurants whose names begin with a "Le."

2010-02-27-chic_flicks_die_tshirtp235822711897155067ud3o_400.jpg

Laurel: I'm pretty down-to-earth. Just the usual.
That is, if you define "usual" as a) Frequent, "where is this heading?" talks about our relationship b) Having my mother visit us as often as possible c) Making it my life-long mission to interest you in ballet and opera.

2010-02-27-327336634v3_225x225_Front.jpg

Me: Is it just me, or am I sensing some chemistry here?

2010-02-27-51H3XvUKoLL__SL500_.jpg

I'm picturing you without your clothing right now, but I'm gonna have to do some up close and personal research in order to get the full effect.

Laurel: You might be right.
It's just you.

2010-02-27-you_had_me_at_get_lost_tshirtp235688362751291945qm73_400.jpg

Me: May I walk you to your car?
And check out your rear view as I, the perfect gentleman, allow you to walk in front of me?

2010-02-27-ass_man_tshirtp235136372139203470q0aj_400.jpg

Laurel: Sure. Can I contribute something to the bill?
And need I remind you that a "yes" answer on your part will forever brand you as a cheapskate of the highest caliber?

Me: Oh, no, I've got it. Thanks.
I accepted one of those invitations to contribute once before and ended up as the featured newcomer on www.cheapdatestoavoid.com for two months.

2010-02-27-51WTxoOY9EL__SL500_AA240_.jpg

Me: Well, here we are. It was really good to meet you.
Because I enjoy taking two hour chunks out of my day to spend time with people I'll never see again.

Laurel: You, too. You seem like a really nice guy.
And we'll have our next date when Paris Hilton becomes a nun.

2010-02-27-060604_hiltonMT_hmed_2p_hmedium.jpg

On second thought, perhaps those dates are better off with the actual thoughts and feelings remaining bubbling under the conversation's surface. After all, if you start off a romantic relationship with absolute honesty, no telling what madness and chaos would result.

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.