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Eyewitness Claims Seventh Heaven Far Inferior to Heavens One Through Six

03/27/2012 05:51 pm 17:51:08 | Updated May 27, 2012

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Don't be surprised to find snails in Seventh Heaven

Photo: Getty Images/Sunny

Courtesy of Sunny

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - If someone tells you they are "in seventh heaven," it means they are in a state of elated bliss, as though they are walking on air. But at least one person who claims to have actually visited the real seventh heaven, describes it in far less glowing terms. "Compared to first heaven through sixth heaven, seventh heaven is a pit," claimed restaurant owner Anita Jackson, 39, who recently emerged from a four-month coma during which, for the last two weeks, her vital signs ceased registering on any of the hospital monitors. "The doctors and hospital staff thought I was dead, and maybe I was, because I have very strong memories of having visited all 10 heavens."

Jackson explained the reason for the 10 different heavens. "It's all based on a goodness merit system. Only the most religious, blessed individuals, such as Mother Teresa and Florence Nightingale, get into first heaven, where you can choose the age you'd like to be and body you'd like to have. You get a personal assistant catering to your every need 24 hours a day, the best food any time you want it, entertainment far beyond what you've gotten on Earth and let's just say that the intimacy options will blow your mind. Plus, you get all sorts of cool superpowers I can't even describe, because I had to sign a confidentiality agreement, but trust me, they rock."

As Jackson described second heaven, third heaven and so on, it became clear that the levels get progressively less impressive and opulent as the numbers rise. "Seventh heaven looks pretty much like your basic trailer park. I mean, it's still nice and all," Jackson recalled, "it's not hell or anything, but it's obviously a far cry from the higher levels of heaven. And by the time I got to 10th Heaven, I actually ended up feeling sorry for all the lawyers and insurance salesmen there. They have to do chores all day long and there's just one bathroom for thousands of people."

So far, Jackson's observations have been confirmed by just one other person, Phil Sorensen, who returned from an after-life experience and claimed, "Cloud nine is nowhere near what it's cracked up to be."

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Cloud 9