12/05/2011 02:43 pm ET | Updated Feb 04, 2012

First Actual Photo of God Released


First actual photo of God.
Photo: Getty Images/Photodisc

In an astounding achievement in the world of journalism, the first ever actual photo of God has just been released.

According to Vatican City Secretary of State Cardinal Angelo Sodano, "The photo opportunity presented itself as the result of an incredible invitation received by the Pope to meet for the first time with the Heavenly Father."

Due to the Pope's frail condition, the Lord agreed to meet with him in the Vatican's St. Peter's Basilica. "The Pope asked if there was anything he could provide to make God's visit more comfortable. God sent an angel to present the Pope with a list of His desires for the meeting."

The list is not unlike the riders that entertainers attach to their contracts, indicating their requirements on movie sets and at concert sites, such as specific foods, accomodations, cash stipends for assistants, etc.

God's desires for his meeting with the Pope included: 100 Vatican troops for security, a Mercedes limo with tinted windows, one star dressing room with adjustable climate control and a selection of plants and flower arrangements, color TV, upright piano, one bottle Jack Daniels, one bottle Chivas Regal, one fruit platter, twenty-four chilled jumbo shrimp, two smartly dressed well-groomed hostesses to assist in the serving of food, a masseuse under 120 pounds, an exercise room, five video games, a ping pong table, a case of raspberry Snapple iced tea, and a carton of Balance Bars -- honey peanut.

"The meeting was extremely successful, to say the least," states Sodano, "despite the Pope's initial surprise at the Lord's physical appearance as a ten-foot-tall black man with dreadlocks."

Conversation reportedly ranged from church matters to things political, the Pope's health, Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of the Christ, organic fruits and vegetables, wild versus farm-raised salmon, jogging, and Halle Berry.

After a while, according to Sodano, the Pope's energy level began to fade. God suggested cutting the meeting short. The Pope asked if it would be okay for the Vatican photographer to take some pictures of this momentous occasion. The Lord inquired as to where the photos would be displayed. The Pope assured Him that the photos would remain in the Pope's private collection, except for one which he would allow to be used with this article, in order to share with the Lord's faithful worldwide.

God granted permission, though he warned that if he found any of the photos for sale on eBay, there would be hell to pay. Photos were then taken of the Pope, God together with the Pope, and a few of God alone, which He said he would use for his upcoming website which Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is helping him create.

Just before the meeting ended, God gave the Pope a big hug, which the Pope later described as "just divine." And as a parting gift, the Pope, still in possession of a youthful sense of humor, presented God with a T-shirt the Pope had made up which proclaimed, "I Visited the Pope and All I Got was This Lousy T-Shirt!" Though it was several sizes too small, the Lord chuckled, blessed the Pope, and ascended to Heaven.

In a conversation with a few of his cardinals the next day, the Pope made the observation that it had been easier to set up his meeting with God than it was to get Scarlett Johansson to return his phone calls.