THE BLOG
04/09/2012 03:52 pm ET | Updated Jun 07, 2012

Hearing These Songs Can Turn You Gay

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Heterosexual males moments after hearing "I Will Survive"

Photo: Paper Boat Creative

Courtesy of: Paper Boat Creative

San Francisco, CA -- Psychologists nationwide are reporting a disturbing trend among new, formerly heterosexual, patients -- their hearing specific songs is apparently turning them gay. And the more times they hear these songs, the gayer they become. The songs mentioned most frequently as being responsible for such gay brainwashing include:

  • YMCA, In the Navy, or Macho Man - The Village People
  • I'm Coming Out - Diana Ross
  • Constant Craving - k.d. lang
  • Outside - George Michael
  • Over the Rainbow - Judy Garland
  • I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
  • I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
  • Saturday Night Fever - and anything else by the Bee Gees
  • Dancing Queen - Abba
  • It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls
  • Supermodel - RuPaul
  • Believe - Cher
  • Love to Love You - Donna Summer
  • Vogue - Madonna
  • Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
  • I Will Always Love You - Whitney Huston
  • That's the Way I Like It - KC and the Sunshine Band
  • Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham
  • I'm So Excited - Pointer Sisters

Psychologist Dr. Zoltan Reisler, author of the upcoming book Don't Let Music Turn You Gay, recommends that if any of these songs start playing, "Turn them off immediately, leave the room, and as soon as possible, start listening to any music by Ted Nugent, Ozzy Osbourne, or Frank Sinatra. If it's too late, check into the nearest hospital emergency room as soon as possible."