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McDonald's to Introduce Sad Meals

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As an alternative to McDonald's popular Happy Meals for children, the fast-food giant is introducing a new line of Sad Meals, for adults whose lives are not quite working out to their satisfaction, who feel they are not worthy of the regular menu, or who simply wish for menu items that will not conflict with their depressed state.

The perfect customer for one of McDonald's new Sad Meals

According to a McDonald's insider, sample Sad Meals menu items will include the following:

Roadkill McBurger

Squirrel McNuggets

Cancer Fries

Chewable McSad Pills

Hearty Bowl of McSnails

A unique new beer

Each meal will include a complimentary credit report, cancer screening test, book of poems by poets who've committed suicide, and a box of Ronald McDonald Suppositories.

The Sad Meals are the first of many specialty menu items McDonald's plans on introducing in the near future. Others include:

Gay and Lesbian Meals

Amish delicacies: "Wouldst thou care to try the Jebediah Salad Special?"

Jewish menu items: McMatzoh Ball Soup

Redneck Meals

Astronaut Meals

DISCLAIMER: "In case McDonald's takes offense at any of this and decides to sue," states humorist Mark C. Miller, "I'd just like to make it clear that this is strictly a comedy piece, fully protected under U.S. satire laws. Hey, come on, it appears in The Huffington Post's Comedy section; you can't take any of this seriously. Furthermore, none of this is true and I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for the McDonald's Corporation, despite the fact that I don't eat meat. But if you send me some coupons, I'll give them out to my carnivorous friends."