11/05/2010 01:27 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Religious Right Insists Animals Marry Before Having Sex

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Springfield, MO - A major religious right organization is not only insisting that its born-again Christian members be married before having sex, as stated in the Bible, it is now proposing a bill in Congress which would make it illegal even for animals to have sex without first being married! "This bill is long overdue," states Christian Animal Coalition president Lurleen Suggs. "Just as the sacred bond of a Christian marriage gives human sex structure and meaning beyond the brutish act itself, so a state-sanctioned wedding of God's animal creatures will do the same for the heathen beasts -- as well as set a good example for our young people."

Suggs demonstrated this at a recent combination press conference/canine wedding, where two Labrador Retrievers -- Kathy and Sam, were joined together in holy matrimony in a moving ceremony led by Reverend Ethan Marlowe. Several of the dogs' canine friends were in attendance. Following the brief ceremony, the marriage was consummated immediately, under one of the banquet tables -- and again out on the front lawn, to great applause from the human guests and barking encouragement from the canine friends.

"Those dogs may not have completely understood the exact meaning of the vows to which they agreed, using their paw prints," added Suggs, "but believe me they sensed something special was happening, they're aware of their matching collars, and if their romance today is any indication, it's going to be a life-long Christian honeymoon in that doghouse."