A world-renowned scientist has made a shocking discovery about heterosexuals who interact with homosexuals: shaking hands with a gay man can turn you flamboyantly gay!
In an article titled "The Transmission of Homosexuality Through Touch," appearing in the current issue of Scientific Gay American, Nobel Prize winning scientist Roy Gevalt presents conclusive proof not only that homosexuality can easily be transmitted through touch, but that gays are converting thousands of heterosexuals to outrageously flamboyant homosexuals every day!
Don't believe it!
"Any heterosexual male who's shaken hands with a gay man will absolutely be 125% gay within three months, due to an easily contractible gay virus I've identified with a high-powered proton microscope," explains Gevalt.
A year ago, Huston resident Benjamin Dover was a happily-married ex-Marine, with two children and a job selling SUVs at a local dealership. After one such successful sale, Dover and the buyer, a gay dentist, shook hands. "That's when it all started," recalls Dover. "I felt a little light-headed that day, and a few days later I felt this tingling sensation in my private parts. The following week, I was surprised to find myself noticing how handsome some of my male co-workers were."
Things escalated from there as Dover's life changed, little by little, over the next three months. "My favorite music was always hard rock, but suddenly I found myself buying every CD by Barbra Streisand, Cher, and the Village People.
Instead of watching my typical weekend sports games, I'd seek out musical theater. My voice got higher and I started addressing my male friends as "girl" and "Miss Thing."
I lost interest in having sex with my wife, and started cruising Internet gay dating sites. When my wife found out I had worn her wedding gown in a gay pride parade, she left me, taking our kids, and filed for divorce.
My boss fired me, saying that I was way too fruity to sell SUVs to our cowboy customers."
"What's it going to take to get you into one of these SUVs, cowboy?"
Dover tried everything to bring back his heterosexual nature - therapy, hypnosis, acupuncture, and voodoo. He even visited the Rabbit Ranch, a notorious brothel just outside Huston. "I paid for two of their sexiest girls to give me their full treatment, but ended up feeling nothing. While they went all out trying to excite me, all I could think about was Collin Farrell naked, but even that didn't help.
Today, Dover has resigned himself to living as a gay man and tries to look on the positive side. "It has its plusses. My boyfriend isn't out of commission once a month. My new job gives me a 10% discount on home furnishings. And on the recent Gay Fiesta Cruise to Hawaii, I won the Yummiest Thighs trophy," Dover reveals proudly.
Still, Gevalt strongly recommends that those not interested in "switching teams" be very sure of those with whom they are shaking hands.
