Et Tu, Governor Sanford?

To err is human,
to take full responsibility for it,
face and pay all the consequences

We and Governor Mark Sanford may never know why he did what he did. It's unclear if we or Bill Clinton ever figured out why he did what he did or John Edwards or Eliot Spitzer or yadda, yadda, yadda...

But what is clear is the "rubbernecking" that this story is causing as if people are watching some roadside disaster. The attraction may be that the exposure of Sanford's immoral, is causing waves of anxiety among the not-yet-caught men who are flirting with similar disasters and the women who love them. It has been a bad few days for denial.

I can imagine millions of men who have been cheating on their wives through prostitutes or mistresses or tip toeing into their dens and home offices to lose themselves in the world of pornography, scurrying around to erase phone numbers and delete computer files and swear to themselves that they will never engage in such behavior again.

I can also imagine these men looking more guilty than usual and raising the suspicions of their wives.

Finally I can imagine volatile confrontations taking place that are finally exposing marital infidelity of one form or another.

If such activities are exposed, can the damage be undone? Once trust is broken by betrayal, can it be regained?

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R's to respond to the 4 H's you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H's and the 4 R's:

1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you're truly sorry and that you did wrong, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with during the Monica situation when the best he could muster was, "It was wrong").

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy
while you lied to them.

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior.

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R's for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality.

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven't gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

It's clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what's in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R's above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking you again---and that feeling is called, "euphoria."

ALSO: Mark Sanford: Why Common Sense Takes a Holiday

*A full explanation of the 4 H's and 4 R's and how to use them to rebuild trust is available in The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There (Perigee) by Mark Goulston with Philip Goldberg.

Follow Mark Goulston, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgoulston

Comments

[gardengranny]

Thank you for a very thoughtful column.

I felt the part about internet pornography was especially insightful.

So many women (and likely some men) see that practice, which often becomes an addiction, as a form of infidelity.

[Kessei]

This puts an awful lot of responsibility and blame on the faithful spouse if the relationship doesn't work out.

Adultery is a form of emotional abuse. No one tells a spouse to "forgive" an abuser if it's in any other context.

[gardengranny]

I agree with you about adultery being a form of abuse.

Some people cannot move past it, especially if the offender has committed such acts more than once.

There comes a point when one can forgive, and still walk away from the relationship.

I think the authors should have mentioned that.

[VegMitch]

Good column, too bad the kooks had to come out of the woodwork.

[jsump]

Yeah, but it is a road side disaster.

[Kindheart]

Your post was perfect. I was married to a cheater and he NEVER demonstrated any remorse. He was totally narcissistic and I have to believe that he will always be that way.