Just Listen -- How Prenups Kill Romance

Prenuptial Agreements (Prenups) are intended to be legal instruments for agreeing on what should be done if and when a marriage ends. But what a prenup means is a totally different matter. It is not what they say, but what they mean that matters. And it's why these reality checks can rip a hole in the romance of a relationship or at the very least expose hot love to a cold shower.

What it says about you as the person seeking one

• As right as you thought you were about something is as wrong as you turned out to be.
• You've been burned before and don't want to risk it again.
• You've become aware how so many things are up for grabs, so focus on the details.
• You don't mind giving, but you don't want to be taken from.
• When you leave things to chance, you believe it usually works against you.
• You're defenseless and inept against emotional reactions to conflict.

What it says to your partner about you

• You don't trust them to be fair and reasonable if you get divorced.
• You're trying to control them.
• You don't think the marriage will last.
• You've lied about how you would take care of them, and are now back peddling.
• You've gone from a giver to a taker.
• You may want them to unconditionally love you, but there are conditions to your loving them in return.
• You don't have confidence that you and they can rationally discuss and work out conflicts.
• You've put a dollar amount on the value of their love.
• You don't care about the humiliation they may face in admitting this to friends and family.

You put a much higher value on preserving your pre-marital assets than you do on their sacrificing a "window of desirability" and lessening their next marriage prospects based on their non-financial assets that may be diminished after the marriage by virtue of their being older.

You're crazy if you think this will not impact your relationship negatively.

All this said, I am in favor of prenuptial agreements for a reason not usually discussed. Prenups offer each partner the chance to see the other at their worst*. This enables each party to say, "No thank you" up front before they get married and thereby prevents having to say, "I want a divorce" later on.

* Years ago I was the preeminent expert on helping divorced couples get back together with their ex's, remarry and live happily ever after (see/hear Oprah clip). When I was doing that, one couple told me, "When you go through a divorce you see your ex at their worst, whereas when you get into a new relationship, you have yet to see them at their worst."

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There (Perigee, $14.95)

 

 

 

Follow Mark Goulston, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgoulston

Comments

[aadunlapesq]

04:59 PM on 04/06/2010

there are certain situations where a prenup is the most responsible thing to do. I'm marrying soon, to a physician who is business with other doctors. I'm a lawyer and have private holdings in LLC's. we both have children from previous marriages. The purpose of our prenup is not a way out but a sensible way to handle our complex affairs. we intend to create a family trust to protect our kids as well as having jointly held assets as well. In a sense we are using the agreement to obviate any fight over material things, whether things end in divorce or death

[Keenan Jensen]

02:18 PM on 03/30/2010

I disagree with your opinion here. A healthy relationship would have discussed and talked about many of those issues you raise. A prenuptial agreement, at least in my relationship, is saying...I love you right now, however I acknowledge I am human and things may change from the current outlook. Let's protect each other since we cannot guarantee how we will act if things turn sour. It by no means is saying "I plan on divorcing you later, so let's just do this now". It is saying to my spouse that I love you enough to discuss the possibility ahead of time so we can decrease the pain if the worst does happen. We both can work together to make sure it does not happen and address our issues in a healthy communicative way; however we know as humans that we can change, so let's protect ourselves against the worst and hope and works towards the best.

[thentheresmaude]

03:55 PM on 03/30/2010

Yeah emotionally it makes sense, but its a tough call since 50% of all marriages end now in divorce-its kindof necessary, and since the dawn of time most women end up disproportionately not served well by the effects of divorce, I think in someways a pre-nup treats men and women as equals so as they can both decide beforehand what they are in for and anticipate to be left with. So it lets you see some character flaws ahead of time...big deal? Maybe someone's head is in the sand in denial about who they are falling in love with and need a wakeup call like that, also you'll see them later when you are fighting over who pays for the toilet paper and groceries and who cleans what, its all the same flaws, who is selfish and who is generous. I've heard too many stories of women who sacrifice their lives for a man and raise the kids and end up with nothing. Pre-nups good.