Oprah vs. Dr. Phil - An unauthorized Opranalysis

Hell hath no fury as when the most trusted brand on the planet becomes so deeply disappointed and feels so duped when "a force to be reckoned with turns out to be a farce to be managed."

First an initial disclaimer. I don't personally know Oprah Winfrey. I appeared a couple times on her show as a guest, but that was in a "time long, long ago, and in a galaxy far, far away" with regard to the phenomenon she has become. Like everyone else, I know what I see and hear and read about her. And like many others I see her as the best that humankind has to offer. If the measure of a civilization is how you treat those who have hurt you and those who are hurting within you, she's one of the best role models for how we can become more civilized.

She was one of the inspirations for my current book, "Just Listen" Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM), because I see her as "the brand" when it comes to listening and caring.

One skill that I think we both may share - although I am in no way close to being in her league -- is being able to listen and hear the unsaid in people, that once shared in the light of day can become liberating.

Given the recent tumult and brouhaha regarding her ongoing disappointment in and embarrassment (something he apparently doesn't share) for what appears to be an unflappable opportunist side of Dr. Phil, I have been thinking of what might be the unsaid in her regarding him.

I think she might be experiencing with Dr. Phil what many people are experiencing with regard to deep disappointments they have in their leaders, their spouses, their children, their financial advisers and in their own financial judgment. "When as right as you thought you were is as wrong as you turn out to be" it can both make you angry at whoever has disappointed you and deeply distrustful of your own judgment. That occurs when having made such choices you say to yourself, "What the heck was I thinking?" If any of this is true for you Oprah, please lighten up on yourself. You "bonded" to his "confidence" (who knew that it was arrogance) at a very vulnerable time in your life, just as all of us have to people who turned out differently than we thought they were. And at such time, most of us don't know any better, because we're scared.

The challenge for all of us is to get past our hurt, disappointment and outrage at others and embarrassment with regard to ourselves and turn that pain into a lesson so that it never happens again.

How can you and I make certain to learn from those mistakes that cause us to feel how Oprah might be feeling towards Dr. Phil. Here are 3 steps that might help:

Step 1: Let yourself feel (but not act upon) all your feelings, because denying them will not serve you.
Step 2: Take a deep breath and then let that go.
Step 3: Take out an index card and utilize what I call the "Never Again Tool" (named after the commitment you feel after such a mishap to never let it happen again) by writing down what you will do the next time if you had this to do all over again, why you would do that, your commitment to doing that on a scale of 1 to 10, and a good person to hold you accountable to doing it.

I was going to end by saying, "Are you listening Oprah?" but given who you are, I am sure you have already figured this out.

Life is not about avoiding making mistakes, because how else would we take the chances necessary to grow? It's about not making the same mistakes over and over again.

 

 

Follow Mark Goulston, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgoulston

Comments

[toocoldout]

Dr. Phil was the best business decision of Oprah's career aside from owning her own show. His show is the most successful syndicated talk show since Oprah herself & she's probably made more money off her part-ownership in his show then she has off part owning Rachael Ray & Dr. Oz combined so I doubt she regrets her decisision. Yes he can be a bit opportunistic at times but overall he's one of the best psychologists I've ever seen & America is better off because he's on TV. And don't forget how instrumental he was in helping her win her law suit in Texas which is why she started liking him in the first place.

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

I appreciate how the Huff Post invites and attracts such widely divergent view points. And you are right that from a business perspective, Dr. Phil has been a money maker for Oprah and his "in your face" confrontational style can at times be more effective than the "softer" shrink stuff.

That said, I can't resist trying some "soft" shrink stuff on you and invite you to respond or react to the following in any way you choose after you try it.

I'd like you to ask those closest to you how much they feel you care about their feelings and how much they feel deeply listened to by you. If they say, "You're one of the most caring people and one of the best listeners we know," then please accept my apology for presuming that you may not be.

If however they say they don't feel cared about or listened to, ask them how much that hurts them and negatively affects them. If they say, "A lot," you might want to fix that.

[AgnesBankhead]

dr. p was one of the first and the loudest to go after octomom --
next thing i know, he's feeding her softball ?'s and holding her hand while speaking in tones of utter compassion and caring --
i no longer waste my time on dr. p and o is right to be embarrassed, not for herself but for him...

[larry278]

Hey, Dr Phil is a smooth sleeze & con man of the worst sort. Ophra has reason to be disappointed in her inaccurate gut feeling about Dr Phil. It isn't 24 carat gold when the ring turns your finger green.