Q: Feeling Anxious? A: "Just Listen"

Anxiety is the state of having your brain, mind and behavior be out of alignment with the task in front of you.
- Mark Goulston

Consider someone in their early forties or older who has a, b and c skills that have earned them a living. Skills that they do masterfully and nearly automatically and ones they now need to replace with something altogether new.

A few years ago I worked with the controllers of a large international bank that was beginning to outsource many of their functions overseas. Many of these people were CPA's and MBA's who hadn't thought strategically in decades and now had to think that way, because all the auditing and actuarial functions they had been doing could be done less expensively abroad. Their brains, minds and behaviors as auditors were completely out of alignment with thinking strategically.

And then there was the case of a large insurance company whose independently owned franchisees had been selling auto, home, property and casualty coverage (i.e. protection from risk) that had then been told to sell (risky and complicated) financial instruments.

In both cases, the push back was enormous. The list of explanations and excuses from the bank and the insurance company was long and extensive. The bank controllers claimed that services coming from India would upset clients and the small insurance office owners claimed that selling financially risky products would turn everything they did for their customers upside down.

Every counter explanation of the need to move forward to the new platforms and new offerings was met with, "Yes, but." And every "Yes, but" was clearly fueled by anxiety.

The only thing that eliminated that anxiety was listening. When managers were trained on how to listen without an agenda and instead keep asking out of genuine concern "what's really going on?" the resistant controllers at the bank and mom and pop insurance franchise owners opened up and revealed it.

In the cases of the controllers and insurance office owners, both were embarrassed to admit that they had become so comfortable doing what they did -- that was no longer sufficient to be competitive -- that they hadn't learned anything of this scale in decades. The controllers hadn't thought strategically in many years and the insurance agents had never sold financially risky products. Both groups were scared that they couldn't learn new things and felt too embarrassed to admit that they felt too stupid to do so.

However, once they both owned up to this, they exhaled and breathed a huge sign of relief and were able to get this humiliating weight off their chest. An interesting thing occurs after people are able to talk from what they're really scared, ashamed or frightened about and feel not just understood, but -- as I write about in my new book, "Just Listen" -- "feel felt." At that moment not only do they physically relax, but it is as if their brain relaxes and as if the three parts of their brain (the "fight or flight" lower reptile, the emotional middle mammalian, the rational upper human brain) relax the way they are bonded/neurologically welded together and can realign with each other in a way more aligned with the present situation. Nearly every break though that most people have had with another person is preceded by their stopping talking over or at each other, beginning to truly listen and hear the other person and then begin talking with each other. It's only after that point that they realize they had misunderstood (i.e. their brains, minds and behaviors had been misaligned) each other.

After that it was easy to point out to them that they had each learned many new thinks with regard to technology, with regard to new rules and regulations and with regard to new sales approaches and that learning these larger items -- which they could do in a step by step fashion -- would utilize the skills and abilities to learn that they already had.

The second thing that eliminated their anxiety was their learning to listen more deeply to their clients and customers and find out what was really on their minds, much as their managers had just listened to them. That enabled them to stop being so self-absorbed and do the thing that makes any service or sales person more successful, which is to stop selling and instead listen to what is truly on your client or customer's mind and help them with that.

If the above speaks to you and you were listening and would like to pick up some tips on how to do that better and more effectively, please visit the Just Listen website and sign up for the exclusive FREE RESOURCES..

Also if you're a working mom and anxious and would like to find out how to become less anxious and even happier, you'll want to check out my good friend, Cathy Greenberg's great new book, What Happy Working Mothers Know. I was pleased to have contributed to the large body of research Cathy used to write this cutting edge book.

 

 

Follow Mark Goulston, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgoulston

Comments

[Norm]

The post to which I refer was moderated. In brief, your insurance sales people were asked to go from ethical sales (security producing) to unethical sales (insecurity producing). The ensuing resulting major league cognitive dissonance was to be resolved by listening. Not stated, but implied, was, "Go along to get along." No. Just no.

[Norm]

I do agree many people, incuding myself, are rotten listeners. And you won't be heard until you can listen. But my above post stands. Listening is no resolution to the conflicts you state.

[MerhabaAbi]

Hi Mark,

I can see how listening can reduce anxiety. That only works if somone is willing to speak honestly with you. I've recently taken up meditation and already feel the fruits of that practice in how I'm albe to reduce my own anxiety. Every tool that helps is worth learning and your advice falls easily into that realm. Keep up the helpful work.

with respect,
little brother

[bthechangeyouseek]

I would agree that listening and really feeling like you have been heard, results in less anxiety or fear. I also feel that many managers think they do a good job listening and they are experts. Many do listen, but really do not hear. I think we could all do this better. I look forward to learning more about your book. I recently looked for several resources on listening skills. There are not too many out there.

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

Dr. Patricia, the Wellness Editor of the Huff Post did a wonderful review of my book, "Just Listen" at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-patricia-fitzgerald/a-psychiatrist-executive_b_278842.html. Another excellent review that went into a good chunk of the content is at: http://smartlemming.com/2009/09/smart-lemming-review-mark-goulston-just-listen-discover-the-secret-to-getting-through-to-absolutely-anyone/. Finally, you can download the first chapter from the book if you sign up for FREE RESOURCES at: http://justlistenthebook.com/resources/.

[Norm]

You are punking us, right?????

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm actually not punking you. I really do mean that two of the best ways to reduce your anxiety is to be listened to and to listen to others.
When you vent, then are listened to, then get past the venting to exhaling (meaning saying what's really upsetting/scaring you underneath) and have that heard it does calm people down. When two people vent at each other and nothing more than that, each one feels tired and exhausted, but not necessarily less anxious, because all the crap between them builds up again.
Then when you can stop thinking about yourself and focus on listening to someone else and actually trying to be helpful, that not only calms them down, but calms you down.
If you think I'm punking you, I'm guessing that what calms you down is to get stuff off your chest and then have people to what you want them to which may leave you feeling better, but probably frustrates them or worse.
Why don't you check with the people around you how well they think you listen to them and if you don't how negatively that impacts them.
If your response to that is: "I don't care what they think" then Chapter 11 in my book, "Just Listen" may be about you and you may be someone I wouldn't want my sister to marry (fortunately I don't have any sisters...­now that's a punk!)

[Norm]

Certainly a lot of us are lousy listeners and social anxiety is a root cause of some of it.
Help with the anxiety, the listening will come. My above comment stands.

[PeterRoche]

Norm - what do you mean by "punking"? it's a word I've never heard before and my dictionary doesn't help.