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Mark Morford
Mark Morford has been writing award-winning columns and cultural criticism for SFGate and the San Francisco Chronicle for 15 years, as well as teaching popular yoga classes in San Francisco for nearly as long. He’s a contributing writer for numerous publications including HuffPo, Yoga Journal, The Sun, Sex+Design, and many more, and is the author of 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism' (released 2010) and Mark Morford's Apothecary iOS app (released 2013).

A certified ERYT-500 yoga instructor, he also created the Yoga for Writers (Y4W) program for inspired yogis, and leads classes, immersions and retreats in various warm parts of the world. He was raised by nubile, long-eyelashed callipygian wood nymphs and spoon fed dark chocolate, raw pomegranate seeds, Shaiva Tantra meditations and 18-year-old bourbon until he could fly.

He believes in divine mystery, good lubricant, deep yoga, superlative whisky and beautifully designed small European cars. And dogs. And trees.

Entries by Mark Morford

The Saddest Job in the World

(0) Comments | Posted April 16, 2014 | 12:36 PM

Were you thinking parenting? Compost truck driver? Michele Bachmann's twitchy left eyelid? Close.

How about middle manager for a Midwestern Monsanto subsidiary specializing in the eradication of parasitic weevils but really dedicated to poisoning all earthly soils with your company's noxious biochemicals, as manufactured by deformed knaves living in oily...

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The Tragic Death of the Good Read

(0) Comments | Posted April 9, 2014 | 10:56 AM

Has this happened to you? Have you, whilst attempting to read an actual, dead-tree novel or lengthy magazine article, inadvertently swiped at the page with your finger, expecting a Delete tab to appear? Maybe you've tapped a photo hoping to expand it, or pinch-zoomed a page to make the font...

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How to Not Murder Your Ex

(0) Comments | Posted April 1, 2014 | 8:56 PM

Simple rules we live by. Basic laws we insist upon.

Zucchini is pointless. Orchids are fantastic. Politics will mutilate your soul. If you are not frequently complaining of overworked exhaustion and sort of resent your job and your life, you are a failed American.

Conversely, if someone asks, "How are...

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A Kiss for the Hopelessly Jaded

(0) Comments | Posted March 25, 2014 | 10:48 PM

I believe we have a new record.

For jadedness, that is. For the time it takes an exciting cultural moment to go from friendly and likable, to nasty and cruel.

From innocent, to molested. From healthy, to toxic. From "the world is a benevolent place full of radiant humans with...

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Is 'Work-Life Balance' a Dangerous Lie?

(0) Comments | Posted March 18, 2014 | 5:35 PM

Distinctions! Categories! Don't we love them so? It's like a collective fetish, a feral addiction of the species: divisions, boxes, discrete modes of being; this belongs here and that over there, you do this and I do that, I like this and I hate that and it all make perfect...

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Your Hot Selfie Reveals All

(1) Comments | Posted March 11, 2014 | 4:30 PM

What's your default? What's your favorite go-to expression? Don't be coy; you know you have one.

Sweet smirk? Goofy grin? Smoochy duck-face? Maybe you're more of a bored hipster sneer, a coy Mona Lisa or a sultry come-hither, like you just had sex with a giant chocolate Jesus and someone...

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How to Sucker a Billion Christians

(3) Comments | Posted March 4, 2014 | 5:01 PM

You do not mess with blind faith.

Just a humble reminder. You do not question the dully codified stories of Christianity, or challenge them, or offer even remotely refreshing, alternative storylines with anything resembling intelligence, or humor, or deep intellectual curiosity.

What are you, a masochist? To do so would...

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Untimely Death of the Homophobe

(0) Comments | Posted February 25, 2014 | 7:46 PM

Did you hear the one about how, if you live your whole life absolutely convinced that the world's going to hell because of gay marriage and the terrifying "homosexual lifestyle," that you'll die approximately 2.5 years sooner than you would if you were, you know, not a homophobic jerk your...

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Believe This and Live Forever

(0) Comments | Posted February 11, 2014 | 7:54 PM

Every day, the battle! Every day, the forces align and the crusade begins all over again. And for what? For your attention, of course. Your loyalty. Your innermost desires and convictions. In short, the war wages for your hard-won, but ultimately sort of fickle and apparently rather wimpy belief.


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The Devil in the Pie Chart

(0) Comments | Posted February 5, 2014 | 11:56 AM

It's a thoroughly stupid, weirdly inelegant way to exist, isn't it? Contrary to nature and time, insulting to the very dignity of the soul?

Yet here it is, the single most toxic, fossilized, hammered-down maxim our culture -- along with most of the barely civilized world -- lives by, pounded...

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The Myth of the Conservative Christian

(2) Comments | Posted January 29, 2014 | 2:34 PM

I often wonder, given sufficient whisky and irony and time: Has there ever been a more delightfully inept, wince-inducing oxymoron in the tortured American lexicon than "conservative Christian?"

I am almost completely serious. I stumble across this strangled term frequently in the media world, usually in reference to this or...

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Fine Weather for Creepy Melancholia

(1) Comments | Posted January 23, 2014 | 11:36 AM

I have enjoyed many terrific birthdays in San Francisco. I have, if memory serves and it sometimes does, nearly always celebrated my January birthday indoors, perhaps luxuriating in a fine hotel, or soaking in a hot, steaming body of water, or rolling around in a very large bed surrounded by...

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Five Companies to Fear, Fondly

(0) Comments | Posted January 17, 2014 | 5:52 PM

What, you were expecting Viacom? You were expecting Time Warner, AT&T, Disney, maybe even Walmart or the twitchy knuckle-draggers of the Tea Party or Fox News? You were thinking the CIA? Wall Street? How cute you are. And how very 2003.

Those mediocre players are, right now, just a sideshow. I'm...

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The 10 Best Records of 2013

(2) Comments | Posted December 25, 2013 | 1:48 PM

Every year at this time, my friend Andy sends out a hotly excitable email asking his most music-crazed friends -- sound engineers, clubsters, DJs, me, anyone for whom music is less a casual dalliance and more like lifeblood -- to compile their personal lists of the year's best music, so...

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Obama and the Harsh Reality Check

(0) Comments | Posted December 12, 2013 | 9:01 AM

You want the good news, or the wincingly bleak news that makes you shudder and sigh and wish you didn't have such sad dreams? You want a bit of both? You should probably hear a bit of both.

Because here's the thing: He did more or less what he said...

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Is There Ever a Perfect Time to Have a Child?

(0) Comments | Posted December 4, 2013 | 12:21 PM

A simple question, wrapped in a conundrum, smelling like strained carrots and wildly overpriced state colleges: Is there ever a perfect time to have a child?

I am almost completely serious. Is there ever a moment when you can scan the sociocultural horizon, take in all the tragedy, joy, violence...

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Meditation for the Damned

(1) Comments | Posted November 27, 2013 | 3:37 PM

You guys! Great news: Researchers have identified a new, fifth kind of boredom.

It's true! Apparently the first four -- behavioral psychology fans may know them as indifferent, recalibrating, searching and reactant -- were apparently getting a little musty, a little inadequate to describe what researchers say is...

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40 Billion Ways to Dance

(1) Comments | Posted November 13, 2013 | 7:44 AM

Every day it's the same: At any given moment, someone, somewhere is discovering something either quiet or grand, miniscule or momentous, that changes the way we think, the way we hold space, the way we perceive the mind, the world, the galaxy and even reality itself, to the point where...

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How to Die Long Before Christmas

(0) Comments | Posted November 5, 2013 | 7:57 PM

October 9th was a fine day indeed, strolling as I was through the crammed Walgreens near my yoga studio in the Castro on a balmy, Indian summer afternoon, picking up some deodorant and a cranberry Kombucha and a solar-powered garden gnome, some tennis balls and nine boxes of...

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This Cocaine Tastes Like Oreos

(2) Comments | Posted October 23, 2013 | 5:11 PM

Then came a flawless little orgasm of a headline, a pitch-perfect, viral-ready soundbite of awesomeness packed with all the keywords Americans love most -- Drugs! Cocaine! Oreo cookies! You! Rats! Addiction! Obamacare! Sex! -- all about this cute little study that reveals how it lab rats, not all that surprisingly,...

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