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Mark Morford
Mark Morford has been writing award-winning columns and cultural criticism for SFGate and the San Francisco Chronicle for 15 years, as well as teaching popular yoga classes in San Francisco for nearly as long. He’s a contributing writer for numerous publications including HuffPo, Yoga Journal, The Sun, Sex+Design, and many more, and is the author of 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism' (released 2010) and Mark Morford's Apothecary iOS app (released 2013).

A certified ERYT-500 yoga instructor, he also created the Yoga for Writers (Y4W) program for inspired yogis, and leads classes, immersions and retreats in various warm parts of the world. He was raised by nubile, long-eyelashed callipygian wood nymphs and spoon fed dark chocolate, raw pomegranate seeds, Shaiva Tantra meditations and 18-year-old bourbon until he could fly.

He believes in divine mystery, good lubricant, deep yoga, superlative whisky and beautifully designed small European cars. And dogs. And trees.

Entries by Mark Morford

An All-American Ass-Whoopin'

(0) Comments | Posted September 17, 2014 | 6:02 PM

America! You know what you need? Besides better bourbon, less Jesus and fewer conservatives? That's right: A good whoopin'. A serious spanking. Maybe even one of those terrifying, NFL-grade spankings so vicious it raises welts and yelps and not a little blood, all administered with a belt, or a tree...

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Prove Your Love at City Hall

(0) Comments | Posted July 29, 2014 | 6:38 PM

All day long the couples come, one after another in endless procession, in turns nervous and delighted, terrified and numb, clumsy and ecstatic, most resplendent in rumpled tuxedoes and extravagant lace, entourages in tow and usually a photographer too, all anxiously bunching together in the small, dimly lit hallway in...

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The Best Worst President Ever

(215) Comments | Posted July 9, 2014 | 10:32 AM

"Obama is the worst thing to ever happen to this country," declares the wealthy, rakish, silver-haired Newport Beach white guy to his small group of perfectly tanned 50-something females sitting just a few feet away from us at a stunning restaurant patio overlooking the sun-kissed California coastline, just off of...

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Slut-Shaming for the Righteous

(4) Comments | Posted July 1, 2014 | 8:43 PM

I suppose the good news is, more women are flocking to the Democratic party than ever before.

I suppose the good news is, the vast majority of young people -- who are, on the whole, always more progressive/less uptight than their elders -- are either completely repulsed, if...

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An Inordinate Fear of No Water

(0) Comments | Posted June 25, 2014 | 2:03 PM

It seems simple enough, even a little romantic, a little American-dreamy: I'm looking to buy some property.

Northward. Woodsy. Modernrusticsexycool. Just the sweetest and most perfect getaway property ever, is all, something about an hour or two from San Francisco, up in the more lushly arboreal regions of Sonoma or...

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The Internet of Very Dumb Things

(0) Comments | Posted June 17, 2014 | 10:17 PM

The Internet! Not a kid anymore, you know? Got big, hairy muscles. Got attitude and leer. Got bizarre hang-ups, social anxiety, joy and corruption, anarchy and scars and leaky spigots galore.

It's bloated. It's invasive. It's full of filth both glorious and repulsive. It even got itself married...

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Something Like Meat But Not Meat

(0) Comments | Posted June 11, 2014 | 8:09 AM

Did you feel that? That visceral, whole-body shudder? That weird, painful spasm in the national colon?

Something rather dire has transpired, is why. Something creepy and banal, fatty and soaked in synthetic hormones, blasted with bleach, injected with filler, ground up with various leftover animal bits, grease, feces, oil fumes,...

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How to Live Wretched and Small

(0) Comments | Posted June 3, 2014 | 10:34 PM

There are a number of things you can do. You can walk around the streets looking as though you just smelled something disgusting, your face a permanent rictus of distress and revulsion aimed at a world that seems to be closing in around you, a mile-deep locust swarm...

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Buy a Gun, Be a God

(4) Comments | Posted May 28, 2014 | 11:24 AM

Again with the mad rush to explain. Again with the desperate need to try and figure out why an intelligent, privileged white kid from one of America's wealthiest areas, a young man with every advantage the culture has to offer, would instead deem himself sufficiently vilified and marginalized that the...

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All the Stumbling Drunks of San Francisco

(0) Comments | Posted May 20, 2014 | 11:08 PM

It's like you can't walk out the front door of your SF flat on a fine, frolicky Bay to Breakers Sunday and not see a dozen wasted, festering kids weeping on the sidewalk, stumbling into parked cars, breaking beer bottles, vomiting into their tassels or bleeding all over their glitter...

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Heart Attack of the World

(0) Comments | Posted May 13, 2014 | 9:40 PM

There's heartsick, and then there's heartsick, you know?

Which is to say: There's that feeling you get when something goes terribly wrong, when mistakes were made and the Dark Side sometimes steals the reins and it might be a long time before thing improve, stabilize, heal -- but hey, at...

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Sympathy for the Christian Bigot

(0) Comments | Posted May 6, 2014 | 11:44 PM

"We quickly learned that according to some, there are some questions you just can't ask -- or you'll suffer the consequences." - Jim Daly, Focus on the Family

Do you have a moment? Would you mind entertaining a humble question?

Here it is: Is it really so wrong to believe...

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Rich White Thugs, Begone

(1) Comments | Posted April 29, 2014 | 8:17 PM

Let's not get crazy. Let's not take the NBA's rather surprising and (cautiously) encouraging smackdown of racist billionaire team owner Donald Sterling - a member, mind you, of the most inbred, powerfully entrenched clubs in history, humans who've quite literally gotten away with murder since the dawn of American capitalism...

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Stand Up or Die Trying

(0) Comments | Posted April 22, 2014 | 9:31 PM

You know what's funny? Back spasms.

Not twitches. Not tremors. I'm talking ferocious muscle contractions so sudden and violent they hurl you out of your fancystupid office chair and onto the hardwood floor in a fit of OMG WTF, as the world crashes in all around, kicking you like a...

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The Saddest Job in the World

(2) Comments | Posted April 16, 2014 | 12:36 PM

Were you thinking parenting? Compost truck driver? Michele Bachmann's twitchy left eyelid? Close.

How about middle manager for a Midwestern Monsanto subsidiary specializing in the eradication of parasitic weevils but really dedicated to poisoning all earthly soils with your company's noxious biochemicals, as manufactured by deformed knaves living in oily...

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The Tragic Death of the Good Read

(0) Comments | Posted April 9, 2014 | 10:56 AM

Has this happened to you? Have you, whilst attempting to read an actual, dead-tree novel or lengthy magazine article, inadvertently swiped at the page with your finger, expecting a Delete tab to appear? Maybe you've tapped a photo hoping to expand it, or pinch-zoomed a page to make the font...

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How to Not Murder Your Ex

(0) Comments | Posted April 1, 2014 | 8:56 PM

Simple rules we live by. Basic laws we insist upon.

Zucchini is pointless. Orchids are fantastic. Politics will mutilate your soul. If you are not frequently complaining of overworked exhaustion and sort of resent your job and your life, you are a failed American.

Conversely, if someone asks, "How are...

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A Kiss for the Hopelessly Jaded

(0) Comments | Posted March 25, 2014 | 10:48 PM

I believe we have a new record.

For jadedness, that is. For the time it takes an exciting cultural moment to go from friendly and likable, to nasty and cruel.

From innocent, to molested. From healthy, to toxic. From "the world is a benevolent place full of radiant humans with...

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Is 'Work-Life Balance' a Dangerous Lie?

(0) Comments | Posted March 18, 2014 | 5:35 PM

Distinctions! Categories! Don't we love them so? It's like a collective fetish, a feral addiction of the species: divisions, boxes, discrete modes of being; this belongs here and that over there, you do this and I do that, I like this and I hate that and it all make perfect...

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Your Hot Selfie Reveals All

(1) Comments | Posted March 11, 2014 | 4:30 PM

What's your default? What's your favorite go-to expression? Don't be coy; you know you have one.

Sweet smirk? Goofy grin? Smoochy duck-face? Maybe you're more of a bored hipster sneer, a coy Mona Lisa or a sultry come-hither, like you just had sex with a giant chocolate Jesus and someone...

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