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101 Reasons why Men Cheat (Tiger Woods Edition)

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Plethoric are the theories, the pop psychoanalysis, the dime-store hypothesis. In the wake of Tiger's epic fail, we hereby present a quick rundown of the real reasons many men cheat, as compiled by the whims and vagaries of the baffled, needy male ego for the past, oh, about two million years. Ready?

Basically, men cheat* because:

  1. Their penis told them to.
  2. The penis is always right.
  3. Unless it's not. Unless it's totally, blindingly wrong. But that's really not possible. Just ask it. Wait a sec, it's busy with that Vegas waitress. OK, go ahead. See?
  4. The man's marriage is sexless and loveless and boring, and he has needs that must -- nay, MUST -- be met. Just ask the penis.
  5. The wife has low/no libido, whereas the man has enough for nine teenagers and a box of rabbits.
  6. No, really. The male libido, generally speaking, far outpaces the female libido and is never really satisfied for more than a day or two, tops. This is why so many men choose to be gay. Gay sex is like, off the hook! It's true! I read that somewhere. Lesbians, on the other hand, often suffer a terrible fate known as "lesbian bed death." You can Google it.
  7. #6 is a totally unfair cliché that doesn't always hold true, and, by the way, all men are pigs. I mean, duh.
  8. The kids steal all the love/attention/energy from wife, leaving man with nothing but XTube, golf and vodka.
  9. One word: Ego. Three more: ego, ego, ego. Nothing like nailing a beautiful female acolyte to boost self-image, over and over again, as she coos your name adoringly and feigns surprise that you just bought her a Mercedes.
  10. Or is it the other way around, and many women are shockingly predatory, often hunting for rich, powerful men who will buy them stuff and give them a shred of self worth by association, because the truth is, they have no identity of their own, and all they have is sex, which they wield like an ax made of lip gloss and open hip flexors and Cosa Bella thongs?
  11. Man is a rock star/golfer/politician/televangelist and women -- or gay prostitutes -- are knocking on his hotel-room door day and night, and the penis is like, are you going to answer that?...

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Mark Morford's SF Chronicle/SFGate columns are archived here. Also: His home page, Facebook page, or send him some nice email. Not to mention...