Plethoric are the theories, the pop psychoanalysis, the dime-store hypothesis. In the wake of Tiger's epic fail, we hereby present a quick rundown of the real reasons many men cheat, as compiled by the whims and vagaries of the baffled, needy male ego for the past, oh, about two million years. Ready?
Basically, men cheat* because:
- Their penis told them to.
- The penis is always right.
- Unless it's not. Unless it's totally, blindingly wrong. But that's really not possible. Just ask it. Wait a sec, it's busy with that Vegas waitress. OK, go ahead. See?
- The man's marriage is sexless and loveless and boring, and he has needs that must -- nay, MUST -- be met. Just ask the penis.
- The wife has low/no libido, whereas the man has enough for nine teenagers and a box of rabbits.
- No, really. The male libido, generally speaking, far outpaces the female libido and is never really satisfied for more than a day or two, tops. This is why so many men choose to be gay. Gay sex is like, off the hook! It's true! I read that somewhere. Lesbians, on the other hand, often suffer a terrible fate known as "lesbian bed death." You can Google it.
- #6 is a totally unfair cliché that doesn't always hold true, and, by the way, all men are pigs. I mean, duh.
- The kids steal all the love/attention/energy from wife, leaving man with nothing but XTube, golf and vodka.
- One word: Ego. Three more: ego, ego, ego. Nothing like nailing a beautiful female acolyte to boost self-image, over and over again, as she coos your name adoringly and feigns surprise that you just bought her a Mercedes.
- Or is it the other way around, and many women are shockingly predatory, often hunting for rich, powerful men who will buy them stuff and give them a shred of self worth by association, because the truth is, they have no identity of their own, and all they have is sex, which they wield like an ax made of lip gloss and open hip flexors and Cosa Bella thongs?
- Man is a rock star/golfer/politician/televangelist and women -- or gay prostitutes -- are knocking on his hotel-room door day and night, and the penis is like, are you going to answer that?...
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Outstanding. Hilarious. Etc.
Your other columns in the Gate are great as well.
Look forward to more—
Wm
In general, more men work than women, giving them opportunity to be out of the house and meet other single women. They travel on the job far more than women, giving them more opps to go cavorting around, (especially if that conference is in Vegas). In general, more women still stay home with the kids, and their day is often spent either shuttling them around, making them and the hubby dinner, etc. Even women who work, are often left with the family caretaking duties. So, men have more time and opportunity to cheat.
Oh, and women actually "work" more than men- consider studies that have examined women who work outside of the home (a huge percentage) and add hours spent doing unpaid work at home, and you begin to get the picture.
Why so sensitive to the idea women are the more likely to stray? Ruin any ego function there?
You got one part right, Ego. Men are ego driven in some form or another.
My grandfather never cheated and lusted openly with style. My grandmother kept herself well and praised her husband's ego hourly. She was a mastermind and a graceful genius. She got everything she wanted from her marriage and more. And she never raised her voice or worried he would cheat.
She kept herself in good shape and fed the lion with teenage gusto. She was class and charm and wisdom. She acted ditzy when it was needed and she danced around pitfalls like Ginger Rogers. She was what a lady should be and the role model I learned from.
My grandfather never strayed because he never had too or wanted too. The trade off was too dismal and paled in comparison. She was an amazing woman. He spent every dime he ever earned on her and they were very happy.
Women have it within them to build a life and a marriage. Men don't. The women have to be silently incharge of the direction of the marriage. They are the captains of the ship and men are just Engineers to the boiler room. They just dont need to know that.
Time and time again, we say, can you believe it?
Duh, of course I can believe it,
I've changed my perspective, I've decided to be pleasantly surprised when they DON'T cheat.
These guys are testosterone machines.
Ladies take a lesson, marry the shy guy in the back of the room who was president of the math club. You may not make the tabloids, or wind up in a mansion.
But when you marry someone who thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to him (and who doesn't have countless young hotties telling him he should have more) you wind up with a better life than the woman sitting home waiting for Mr. Wonderful send her a text.
Sad but true.