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Mark Morford

Mark Morford

Posted: August 5, 2009 11:25 AM

Breaking: Paula Abdul Announces Alaska Gubernatorial Run


In a breathtaking Twitter announcement that sent shockwaves through all intergalactic space and time, legendary singer/songwriter/dancer, all-around American sweetheart and Nobel-winning cultural trend analyst Paula Abdul has announced she is leaving her beloved role as Most Favoritest Judge Like Totally Ever on the hugely popular television program known as "American Idol."

"It is with a sad heart and, like, totally heavy super-duper burden I give my role up at this time in juncture, to thinking about future loving everyone yes of the possibility," she sort of said, as reporters just looked at each other, and shrugged.

Before this stunning news could fully sink in to shattered hearts everywhere and spin the planet wildly off its axis, Abdul quickly turned around and announced she is offering a new, generous gift to all humanity: She will soon be running for governor of Alaska.

"Apparently, anyone can do it," she might've said, gigglingly. "You don't have to even make coherence in your sense-making attitudes, in these troubled times, because that's like, slam dunk, right? And I applaud that, because you are so way amazing love love love. And me too!" she did not add, as chipmunks everywhere fainted.

Meanwhile, rumors that noted wayward curmudgeon and bulbous white floating head Lou Dobbs will soon be exiting CNN and heading over to Fox "Commies Must Die" News have resurfaced lately, as the bitter pundit slides further toward Limbaughland in his thoughts and weight and attitude and general smell, and he finds himself increasingly at odds with CNN's methodology and management.

"Semi-balanced, respectable, thoughtful, and well-researched news reportage is for sissies and liberals!" he did not snarl, whilst soaking in a hot tub filled with gin and bacon-flavored breath mints, surrounded by fawning interns feeding him raisins and cod liver oil in giant buckets.

"Have you seen Glenn Beck's ratings? Holy hell in a Texas immigrant holding pen! Bottom-feeding is where it's at! Obama was born in Kenya to three-headed reptiles! Hell yes!"

Dobbs and Abdul are expected to meet in person very soon, somewhere in the dank, shimmering sub-basement of your weirdest, most disturbing dreams.



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