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Glenn Beck Is a Message From God

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"I'm not saying God is, you know, causing earthquakes -- well, I'm not not saying that either. But I'll tell you this ... There's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just saying." -- Glenn Beck

People! Beloveds! Glenn Beck is absolutely right.

There is indeed manifest glory all around! There is divine meaning, electric significance, cosmic text messaging blasting forth this very instant from all over the world, nay the universe, both negative and positive, radiant and dangerous, Shiva and Shakti, all whirling in a great cosmic dance, from parking space to porn star, Libyan uprising to nuclear meltdown, Wisconsin insult to Indian holi festival to the very first gasping, sputtering breath of Spring.

I am delighted to share this wisdom, this sacred thrust and thrum, with the infamous Glenn Beck! I had no idea the renowned right-wing fudgeball was, like me, also a burgeoning neo-pagan tantrika with a mystical, metaorgasmic, well-caffeinated alchemist edge, studying and practicing and soaking in the universal Spanda, the eternal vibrational wisdom of the ancients.

Is it not amazing? I had no idea the so-called "King of All Semicoherence," the same portly n' pungent pundit who recently claimed on his radio show, in some sort of semi-garbled nonsensical half-statement, that the Japan earthquake/tsunami and subsequent nuke meltdown are very likely "a message from God," and we'd best "buckle up" because we're in for "a very bumpy ride" because of -- well, I'm not sure what. The Clean Air Act? Abortion? George Soros? Our dependence on Japan for some vital iPad 2 components?

Doesn't matter. And Beck didn't bother to say. But his meaning was gloriously, luminously clear: All life really is in constant, self-revealing investigation, all space, time and matter merely consciousness ever waking up to itself through, well, us! And the "bumpy ride" is indeed the eternally feral Shakti life energy romping like wild lightning all over the eternal ground of awareness that is Shiva. Fantastic!

Did you know this about Beck? That he was so delightfully versed in the deeper examinations of Hindu scriptures, so studied in the trika traditions, with maybe some mystical Christianity, Buddhist Eightfold and Toaist Three Jewels (compassion, moderation and humility, as Beck surely practices) tossed in for good measure? I sure didn't.

Truly, it's astonishing to read of someone so far "out there" on the right-wing fringe, someone so legendary for his aggressive ignorance of all things subtle and intellectually astute, someone whose "facts" are regularly discredited, well, it's just refreshing to learn the man knows a thing or two about, say, Shaivist unity consciousness, or the Mahayana cognitive obscurations, perhaps Christian mystic's desire for direct experience of God, all of it based on texts and teachers who sing so far outside the halls of the typical monotheistic, dualistic gobbedlygook religions they might as well be, well, radical liberals.

How else to explain? Certainly no one can be so ridiculous as to suggest that some sort of miserable, bearded Christian deity was just sitting around, bored out of his mind and a bit pissed off, and suddenly decided, on a frustrated whim, to flick his middle finger against the Pacific plate and touch off a temblor that killed thousands and sent a nation into a vicious tailspin, just to "send a message," like a petulant toddler acting out against quiet time.

Certainly no one could be so childishly heartless, so spiritually inept to suggest some sort of cosmic vendetta is at play. Beck cannot possibly be that dumbly cruel. After all, he's no Pat Robertson. Is he?

Let's look at Beck's enlightened words...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at Amazon and beyond. He recently wrote a fine thank-you note to Charlie Sheen, a piece about cultivating
your own private Wisconsin
, and a column wondering why you always walk in circles. His website is markmorford.com. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...