03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New Coke Mini - Now With 36% Less Cancerous Death!

Attention, reluctantly health-conscious consumer who doesn't really want to change his/her ways or be told what to do by any goddamn doctor, government agency or do-gooder Michael Pollan-type health nut but feels he/she must do, you know, something, because it's becoming more difficult to breathe, staircases are increasingly hateful and the doctor did say something about early-onset arthritis and bone degeneration and potential colorectal cancer and no one wants that, I guess!

We here at the Coca-Cola Company feel your pain. Or rather, we don't, actually, but we like to say we do in marketing copy, because it makes us sound beneficent and honest, like a good corporate citizen, when in fact we're all about figuring out sinister ways to keep you wildly addicted to as many of our products for as long as humanly possible -- which, if you drink enough of them, won't be that long at all.

Here is our question: Have you been trying, to little avail, to improve your health, exercise more, maybe lose a tiny bit of weight by reducing your intake of sugary carbonated beverages because you've been told for many, many years and in no uncertain terms that pretty much all sodas, energy drinks, Snapples, et al are completely non-nutritive, ridiculously fattening and not the slightest bit good for you?

Have you seen those touchingly gross anti-soda posters in New York City? Read up on the unbridled nastiness that is high-fructose corn syrup? Have a shred of common sense? Well, we are here to help.


(Note: Not "help" in the traditional, Merriam-Websters definition of the word, as in, help you figure out how to eat healthier and exercise and take care of your body; rather, the corporate definition, as in, help give you the illusion that we're sensitive to your needs, when in fact we'd simply love it if everyone reading this right now was sucking down a Super Big Gulp of Diet Dr. Pepper and chasing it with a Full Throttle™ Blue Demon. Thank you).

Good news! In a totally unselfish effort to help you slightly reduce -- but not eliminate because that would be un-American and possibly communist -- your intake of our sugary poisons, we are hereby introducing a brand-new product....

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