10/18/2009 03:53 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New iPhone app for fans of whipped monoglyceride!

Industrial food titan and noted purveyor of swell toxins for most of humanity, ConAgra has introduced a new iPhone app, aimed at re-introducing the joy that is Parkay margarine -- AKA whipped monoglycerides and soy lecithin and artificial flavoring and sundry nasty gumminess you should never really put into your body -- to the easily duped masses who love them some retro TV commercial wackiness at the expense of, you know, actual health.

When you say the word "butter" into the iPhone's microphone, the App will respond with "Parkayyy!" in that funny voice from the '70s TV commercials so beloved by Baby Boomers and TV addicts who still don't seem to understand that a small amount of real, organic butter is light years better for you than anything ConAgra could ever produce like, ever.


Jeff Muench, a senior brand manager for ConAgra, says he hopes the app will help renew interest in Parkay and make people laugh, even as it surprises them with the fact that Parkay still exists and hasn't been banned outright by the FDA or re-positioned as a nice caulking agent for your toilet.

Not to be outdone, Monsanto Foods, AKA "the world's most hated corporation," has introduced its first iPhone App as well.

When you say the words "healthy food," the App immediately issues a vicious lawsuit and sprays the company's proprietary food additive hydropetrophenoxylimatizam-D4 directly into your eyeballs, causing partial blindness, heart spasms and an irrepressible desire to consume three family-sized bags of Doritos.

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