09/14/2011 04:55 pm ET | Updated Nov 14, 2011

Mr. Obama, Get Your Dick (Cheney) On

Let me just say it outright: I still love Obama. I still believe him to be the most articulate, thoughtful, integrity-rich president in my lifetime, still prouder'n'a bucket of kerosene at Burning Man whenever he stands at the podium at just about any international affair and, you know, represents. Shhh, it's OK. You know you feel the same way, too.

Despite all the beat-downs of late, the man still has mojo galore. The jobs speech alone reminded anyone within earshot that Obama knows his impassioned rhetoric, can still rally and inspire and hey gosh really might not be messing around after all. Bin Laden? Gaddafi? Women's rights? DADT? Iraq drawdown? New START? Haiti quake relief? The Cairo speech? Nobody better, baby.

But oh smack me with the stick of gnarled reality, the disgusting debt deal. The nasty thing with the EPA air quality regulations and (probably, sadly) the hideous Keystone XL pipeline. The appalling compromises at every turn; bloated cronies in Wall Street, failed bank reform, feeble environmental and education policy, innumerable humiliations and roadblocks when facing down a hateful and spittle-flecked GOP.

It's downright embarrassing; the guy can't even get a meeting when he likes, much less stop the GOP from falling into tantrum in the cereal aisle or the Tea Party from repeatedly stabbing the country in the face with a fork.

Bottom line: Despite all his power and formidable intelligence, Obama seems to have no real capacity to deal with, you know, morons.

And it's largely his own fault. The president, I believe, still wants history to tag him as the peacemaker, the grand unifier, the great Middle Way. Despite all gruesome evidence to the contrary -- not to mention his own toxic poll numbers -- he still seems to think he can bridge the violent disparities in Congress, reach consensus, simultaneously serve as the lighthouse to the Dem's lost ship and the truckload of Zoloft to the GOP's unchecked madness.

No surprise, then, that Obama often looks to be in a state of stunned disbelief that no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many compromises and concessions he makes to the malignant right, the wing-nut contingent still blocks him at every turn. And then spits in his face. And bashes him in the kneecaps. And then hits itself in the head with a brick. And then cackles.

To say this is the most shamelessly weird, unscrupulous right wing in modern history doesn't seem to adequately capture how far Boehner & Co are willing to go to undermine and sabotage Obama's presidency. They will insult and demean their own constituents, yank insurance from children, hold the world economy hostage, cost the nation hundreds of billions, hobble the FAA, endanger lives, eat their young. And it's not even an election year yet.

Which is why I believe Obama needs to make a change. He needs to bring in someone who will get the dirty work done, who is utterly fearless and without shame, qualms or a reasonable moral compass when it comes to dealing with dingbat creationists and dink-bucket "mama grizzlies," juvenile science deniers and tiny-brained freshman congressmen with IQs that match their shoe sizes.

To put it bluntly: Obama needs a Dick....

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently wondered who in your life you find perfectly toxic, cheered that the gay agenda will see you now, and that you seem to enjoy always walking in circles. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...

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