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Radical homosexuals ate my baby!

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And now, ladies and gentlemen, right here on our stage, a fine and terrifyingly hilarious -- or is that hilariously terrifying? -- spectacle, for your disquieting reading pleasure. Please, remove the children. Ready?

Behold, an item known henceforth as the National Impact Survey of the Radical Homosexual Agenda in California Public Schools, as recently and furtively received/discovered by yours truly, your humble and sexually perverted and imperfectly liberal, very-straight-but-very-gay-rights-supporting satire columnist, in a roundabout manner I cannot divulge right now lest I might get shot waiting in line at Starbucks.

What is the NISRHACPS, you ask? Why, it's a document. It's a mailer. It's a survey of sorts, a short, wretched little questionnaire made entirely of sadness and bile and fear.

It's a piece of paper sent out en masse to particular members of the Republican party who are so openly terrified of all homosexual personages, they fully believe said gays are actively bewitching and recruiting your innocent children behind the locked doors of hugely perverted schoolhouses near you.

This document is, apparently, highly confidential. Everything about it -- the shouty ALL CAPS HEADLINES, the copious red ink, the simpleton second-grade language -- screams that I'm not supposed to be reading it, given how I have, you know, a functioning intellect, can walk upright, enjoy copious amounts of sex, and speak in complete sentences. Often all at the same time. I know!

In fact, most liberals, moderates, chimps, garden gnomes and humans with intact brainstems have likely never seen this document, given how it is carefully targeted only at persons of dangerously limited consciousness, people who clearly think book learnin' is for elitists, the vagina was created by the devil and Sarah Palin is like, super-duper smart, and stuff.

You perhaps think I am exaggerating? I am not exaggerating. Behold:

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle, a hilarious mega-collection of his finest work for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. His columns are archived here. Also: His home page, Facebook page, or send him some nice email. Not to mention...