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Real Homophobes Don't Google

Posted: 11/09/11 11:11 AM ET

CBS, Google, Levi's, Starbucks, New Balance, and Xerox are among the 70 companies and cities that have signed an amicus brief stating that DOMA, the 1996 federal Defense of Marriage Act, hurts business. --NCRM.com

Woe to you, oh modern card-carrying homophobe. For it can't be easy to be you right now, what with all the terrifying changes taking place, all the dramatic sexual upheavals and flagrant displays of "unnatural" love being hurled like exotic sushi in your plain hamburger face these days. Oh, you poor dear.

I see you there, glumly sipping your Starbucks gingerbread latte while Googling Swedish fetish porn in between checking the latest news on NASCAR.com in your lightly stained Dockers and beat-up Nikes, Cartoon Network blaring in the background, tattered copy of Shooters Monthly on the bedside.

I see you there, mumbling angrily at how New York has had legal gay marriage for four whole months and so far, no hellfire, chaos, no petrified Christian children melting into goo in the streets. I see you horrified at how seven other states and 10 countries are thriving happily with gay marriage, God apparently not really giving the slightest damn about how anyone expresses their consensual, reverential, wholehearted love, so long as they just do.

To be fair, I suppose it's too soon to tell if the end of DADT means our valiant U.S. military, during our next war, will end up offering the enemy a giant cupcake disco meth party, instead of kicking ass and keeping those pinko commie terrorists from poisoning the beer supply and stealing your HBO.

Did I say HBO? What a shame you have to give that up, no? Same goes for all those other brands, shows, shoes and companies I mentioned above, given how they all openly disrespect you and everything you stand for. Or haven't you heard?

Behold, dear homophobe, the upwards of 70 major U.S. companies who have just signed an amicus brief -- basically a formal f-you complaint to the federal government and its odious Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) -- saying the damn thing is bad for business, forces discrimination and inequality in company practices, was written by/for angry encephalitic right-wing thugs who don't know their God from a hole in the seminary wall. I might be making up that last part. But only barely.


Which companies are protesting DOMA, you ask? Starbucks. Google. Microsoft. Levi's. Nike. Time Warner Cable. Aetna. New Balance. Xerox. The list is impressive indeed, especially given how it's more or less an addendum to a much longer list, one that includes all the other enormous U.S. companies who already openly support gay rights, like Apple and Disney and Pixar, like Hershey and Coca-Cola and Dell, American Express and Mattel and even big media daddies like Time Warner, Inc. and Viacom. Et al.

Are you not furious, righteous Republican homophobe? I bet you are. I bet you're dialing your angriest, most confused buds right this moment to write letters, post barely punctuated rants to the hate forums on Free Republic, call in to Rush to demand a Tea Party-wide boycott of every single one of these sicko companies.

I mean, you can't really call yourself a true American, a real Christian and still openly wear Nikes or Levi's, use Microsoft or Google, or watch Warner Brothers movies, can you? If you really walk your anti-gay talk, well, every one of these companies should be banned from your life, right?

It shouldn't be too bad...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently wondered who in your life you find perfectly toxic, cheered that the gay agenda will see you now, and is fairly certain Jesus took magic mushrooms. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...

 
 
 

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