I am hereby delighted to report that, not a mere bucketful of weeks after one of the most devastating unnatural disasters in modern history, the mystery has been solved as to the real cause of the BP oil catastrophe.
Here is the good news: It has nothing whatsoever to do with annoying trifles like human error, mechanical failure, oil company oversight, greed, ignorance or plain ol' corporate malfeasance; it is nothing so mundane as, you know, normal life. I mean, duh.
Have you not heard the latest conspiracy theory? Have you not been sucking your laudanum, trepanning your skull with a Makita and smacking yourself in the head with a brick until you see the harrowing vision? Have you been doing the unthinkable and actually believing most of the lies of the media and the U.S. government? What the hell is wrong with you?
The spill, oh naive one, was not caused by anything so pedestrian as a failed shutoff valve. It was, of course, caused by a small missile, shot from a secret North Korean mini sub on a political suicide mission out of Cuba, a weapon that specifically targeted the Deepwater Horizon and blew it up just prior to Earth Day, all of which was spotted and confirmed by Russia's Northern Fleet of invisible black submarines, which you have never heard of because they might or might not actually exist, so far as you know.
And why was it blown up? Oh you silly plebe. In order to force President Obama into an "impossible dilemma," naturally, whereby he would be compelled to deploy a small nuclear warhead to permanently seal the leak, thus embarrassing him on a global stage, destroying the integrity of the U.N. nuclear conference and causing Obama to cry on camera, which would, in turn, re-empower all nasty third-world nations into demanding scary nukes of their very own, at which point Iran could gleefully bomb the crap out of Starbucks, but not before Miss America, a noted Lebanese stripper/terrorist with laser-beam breasts, gives the command from her throne in the MGM Grand. Awesome!
Did you follow all that? The details, of course, are still emerging (Miss America's shocking terrorist connections have just been added to the mix, an unexpected dollop of sexy frosting on an already creamy cake. Hey, you gotta be nimble with this stuff).
But wait, you still don't know a tenth of it....
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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at daringspectacle.com or Amazon;. He recently wrote about the KFC Double Down, the Texas Board of Education, and what it's like being part of the evil liberal conspiracy. His website is markmorford.com. Join him on Facebook;, or email him.