I'm not a big fan of the institution of marriage. I don't think human beings, particularly of the male variety, are particularly well-suited to monogamy for life, and statistics on divorce and infidelity would tend to bear me out. I also question the premise that anyone should be granted enhanced social or legal standing based on their relational status, because it creates two classes of citizens--the married on one side, the single and divorced on the other. I'm almost surprised that no one's ever challenged this division as a violation of equal protection under the law.
I also believe that much of what makes many gay relationships special arose precisely because we couldn't get married. We are more likely to stay together out of genuine compatibility than a sense of social expectation. Our breakups tend to be less bitter than heterosexual divorces, as evidenced by how much more often we stay friends with our exes. I fear with marriage, we'll lose as much as we'll gain.
Still, I have no delusions that society is going to abandon marital culture any time soon. We've been raised on the idea that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of a soulmate, and the psychological and economic clout of the industrial wedding complex is considerable. And unfortunately, being skeptical of the wisdom of pursuing gay marriage rights puts me on the same side of some people I can't bear to be on the same side of. It also probably puts me on the wrong side of history. Gay marriage will prevail as a matter of demography, as the generation weaned on Will and Grace supplants the aging values-voters as they depart for the great ballot box in the sky.
There's another reason for my change of heart. With $60 million spent on our side alone so far, the sooner this fight is over, the sooner we can free up the gay sociopolitical dollar for causes that are more life and death than till death do us part (see HIV, Teen Suicide, Gays in Developing Nations, etc.) If for that reason alone, I throw in the anti-marriage towel, but also suggest a new, far faster strategy to get there from here,
I propose a novel campaign of civil disobedience for the 21st century. We need to replace the sit-in with the "fill-in." On every tax form, employment application, and beneficiary designation, committed couples need to check "married" and put down the name of their significant others. This is non-violent resistance for the age of the internet. If only 25% of new spousal names made it into databases, within a fairly short time the system would be flooded with so many new husbands and wives as to make disentangling defacto marriage from legal marriage an impossibility.
The freedom riders didn't wait for the laws against segregation to be changed before integrating public facilities, and neither should gays wait for marriage laws to change before getting married. The time has come to become the change we are waiting for, literally.
Follow Mark Olmsted on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MarquisMarq
I've been anti-marriage most of my life (mostly the result of growing up around not only "unhappy" ones but downright *miserable* ones). I never wanted to get married, as a little girl I did not daydream of walking down the aisle dressed in white (instead I daydreamed of living alone in a loft apartment in some big city as a successful writer...ahh, dreams).
I saw so many gay friends wanting to get married and not being able to, I dove into the fight with all of my heart. But you have really helped me gain some better perspective on it, and helped me to reconcile my anti-marriage views with my views that gays should be allowed that misery if they so want it. ^_^ Thanks for not being afraid to speak out, even if it does go against the status quo.
BTW, the only group with standing to make an equal rights challenge regarding access to marriage are gay people. The rest of us sngle folks can get married if we choose to do so; we're not denied anything. If we like, we can marry just because we want the perceived benefits of marriage. Marital status in and of itself is not a protected class.
And I believe that discrimination based on marital status is such a non-starter that it doesn't even have to be listed as a "protected class." It is one, de facto. No one ever gets fired for being married.
Here I am again, arguing against marriage. Old habits die hard. Plus you half-convinced me its a financial burden for most. Which only emphasizes the power of the words "I'm married now" People don't care if it costs them.