The recent spate of suicides of gay teens has convinced me the time is past for us to keep pursuing the same old strategies for gaining equal rights. I propose a radical new series of initiatives that will make the Log Cabin Republicans seem like the Social Tea Cookie Party.
1) Guns for Gays. According to the 2nd amendment fanatics, guns are constitutionally protected for the right of self-defense. Who could use self-defense more than persecuted gay teens? They should be able to pack heat along with their lunches. Watch the bullying disappear.
2) Ban Divorce. Gays are tired of having our relationships threatened by the epidemic of straight divorce. Every 20 minutes, a neighbor or a sibling walks away from a lifetime vow to love and cherish. We are left with no role models, and it puts pressure on us to break up. So I say, make divorce illegal. If you can't do it for life, don't do it at all.
3) Enforce "DADT" to the letter. The law says "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Every single discharge has been based on an investigation that is the epitome of "asking." All discharged veterans should be reinstated with back pay, as their separations violated the law they professed to enforce. (I can't believe no one's tried this one in court yet.)
4) Subsidize Gay Adoption: Everyone knows children raised in gay households are funnier, more open-minded and better-dressed than children raised in mixed-marriages (as we call heterosexual unions) that so often end in nasty custody battles. Not to mention, since we were raised by heterosexuals, clearly straight parenting produces homosexuality. We should see if gay parenting does the reverse. What a brilliant way to eliminate us! That's what you want, after all, isn't it? For us to just go away?
These "Four Pillars" will be the basis of the platform of the Glory Holy Party, which I am currently organizing with the spouses of Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, George Rekers and Eddie Long. We will be screening How Stella Got Her Groove Back at our first meeting, then chaining ourselves to Kathy Griffin until our demands are met.
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