Sarah Palin, Fill Out this Map!

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011


According to the Republican right, their great hero Ronald Reagan personally caused the dissolution of the Soviet Union with his insistence to Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall!" Twenty plus years later, I issue another plea to the woman who, by all indicators, wants to be taken seriously as a potential leader of the Free World.

Our current Free World Leader, Oprah Winfrey, is set to resign in 2011. If Sarah Palin wants to replace her (that is her plan, right?) she's going to have to know certain things. Like in which two countries American soldiers are currently stationed. Hint: One of them starts with "I-R-A." Another hint: you can't see Russia from any of these countries, but all those "--stans" I've left filled in are a clue to the other one. And the one sticking out on the left? Think Thanksgiving dinner with Levi.

I know I'm giving you a chance to study up, but I don't care. As long as you run to become the new Queen of Daytime Television and not that other leader of the Free World, you can cheat all you want. It'll be good practice for preparing for all those interviews you'll have to give. (Ask Katie Couric how it's done, I'm sure she'll be glad to help.)

Oh, and thanks Oprah. Your timing is very sly--planning to step down just when Sarah would be announcing for President. You're nobody's fool. You know darn well how to satisfy Ms. Palin's insatiable desire for celebrity without actually harming the country. And you know the only thing that will take Sarah down for good is the power that transcends continents: Bad ratings.