THE BLOG

One Choice, Two Parents: A Summertime Planner

07/26/2013 06:12 pm ET | Updated Sep 25, 2013

I remember when, during the last weeks of 4th grade in May, 1960, as a youngster at Nathan Hale School, I could feel the heat of the summer sun radiating through the old windows from the back of the classroom. I thought only about the end of homework, late morning sleep-in's and running through the water at the end of a garden hose.

Summer vacation was now easily in our reach.

I envisioned mom and dad taking my sister, Janet and I to Ocean Beach in New London, like last year! Lake Compounce in Southington! Maybe I was now the 'right' height to go alone on the ferris wheel, the teacup, or, even the roller coaster!

Boy, Mom and Dad sure knew how to give you a great time!

Mom and Dad. They are gone now. Through their absence, I am now even more conscious of how much they have truly been an important influence in my life. I know what seeing them meant to me every day. What I could expect from them. How they spoke to each other. How they spoke to me. How Mom would yell at me for fighting with my sister. How I yelled at her to leave the bathroom light on so I wouldn't be sleeping in total darkness. How Dad would come in and see if I had fallen asleep yet. How I would ask for a glass of water to delay sleeping. But also, to test if they loved me.

Many of our public school children do not have the same experience, or expectations.

According to the 2010 U.S. Census, the number of children from single parent households has doubled since 1960. That's one third of children who are living without a father in the household and 1/6 living without a mother in their household. According to Sarah McLanahan in "Growing Up With a Single Parent" (Harvard University Press), these children are twice as likely to drop out of high school when a biological parent, particularly the father, is absent from their life. It then becomes an imperative to maintain contact between children and parents, regardless of distance.

Parents most often live in different towns, perhaps different states, perhaps different regions of this country. But, unlike most of the year with cookie cutter visitation arrangements, the summer means even more scheduling, more agendas. Also, more stress for the child and for the parent who has agreed to this co-parenting arrangement.

When a parent lives many miles away from their children, the longer summer visitation will present itself with the added and expensive burden of traveling, of social and emotional costs. The stress of reconnecting with this parent, whom they may have spoken to regularly, is still, so different when actually contemplating the living conditions, lifestyle adjustments and other adaptations with the other parent's home.

Summer visits with the other parent can be experienced with accompanying sadness, anger, and emerging hostility for a reexamination of the cause for their parents' separation and divorce. The child may be subject to jealousy because of the non custodial parent's new 'blended' family or a new, replacement for significant other.

For young teens, they haven't yet been able to actualize their role of son or daughter of their given age. They may want to act older than they are, feel responsible and confident for their maturity, but feel very confused and even scared because of expectations, impositions of new rules, adjustment to new routines and also, a new community.

Children will continue sharing time between their parents which is court ordered and often specified by a mediated parenting agreement, if not railroaded by an overbearing, aggressive attorney who advocates for the best interests of his client. Yet, there is a roadmap which needs be followed, unless the parents should agree otherwise based on their needs, their social desires, their change in work or school schedule.

As a child custody specialist, I find many parents and even the courts will look to the parenting agreement as a mechanical roadmap for scheduling child visitations, arranging for the physical child transfer and exchange between the parents. But, in many agreements, the calendars for many are poorly designed, based solely on both parents' efforts to control their child's plans rather as a contractual stipulation in time sharing than a child's necessary downtime to chill from a hectic and draining school year.

Regardless of where dad and mom are residing, they are driven by love for their children, and will require, if not, appreciate, the help of others to protect the best interests of their children. Find a specialist to help you craft or modify your parenting agreement to account for your child's safe travels and especially, a most rewarding and fulfilled life's journey.

You will all then find your summer as enriching and joyful as the expectations of the eleven year old child at Nathan Hale School.


The Toby Center is a unique, holistic model for divorcing parents and children. This model offers custody consultations, supervised visitation, therapy and support for those requiring family strengthening, communication skills and co-parenting guidance.