I don't have much to say about the latest, much-discussed David Beckham ad for his H&M underwear, directed by fellow L.A.-loving Brit Guy Ritchie, in which he runs through Beverly Hills in his white slippers as the props and scenery conspire to remove his clothes, Cupid Stunt-like, except, "Those slippers must be really, really snug to stay on," and, "How sweet that Guy Ritchie has graduated from making homophobic gay porn for straight men, such as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, to making gay porn for, well, everyone!"
OK, despite the fact that I found the rest of it, like the underwear itself, fairly forgettable (especially the Cheever cliché), and despite the fact that even when he has no lines, Becks evidently still can't act to save his dressing gown, the final shot is more interesting. Unlike in those eye-poppingly photoshopped Armani ads, the emphasis in this ad commodifying the world's most famous male body seems to be not on his basket but his on his butt. And what a hungry butt it appears to be. This shot (reprised twice in the ad) is probably intended to demonstrate the lovely stretchiness of the lycra-cotton mix and rub up against our commodity fetishism, but it looks like something else is quite stretchy, too.
Perhaps the real reason I don't have much more to say about Becks' latest is that I'm very distracted by a hilarious parody clip made by some "cheeky" British Army lads for nowt:
Not only does it represent the ultimate in all those "soldiers acting gay" vids (ending up as a semi-simulated gay orgy), but it represents a much funnier, much metrosexier example of self-objectification and men's modern mania for exhibitionism and passivity than Becks and Ritchie's big-budget bore. (Plus they seem to have circumvented the packet problem by shamelessly stuffing their crotches.) Basically, it's just so much more satisfying. Besides, the soldier who opens the video -- and whose idea the whole thing probably was -- has got a better butt than Becks. He doesn't need a booty double. Oh, and his underwear is much nicer, too.
Follow Mark Simpson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/marksimpsonist