Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Mark Steinberg Headshot

Herman Cain Gives 5th, 6th and 7th Rebuttals to Sexual Harassment Charges

Posted: Updated:

Herman Cain, who has given contradictory explanations of his alleged sexual misconduct with two members of the National Restaurant Association, has spoken again to the issue.

Appearing on Fox News for the second straight day, the contender for the Republican presidential nomination said, "I would never do anything to dishonor The National Restaurant Association. It's exactly the same way I feel about the National Rifle Association. In fact, when I was CEO of Godfather Pizza I instituted the 'Rule of the NRA's,' which urged customers who didn't get their food on time to shoot our deliverymen in the face."

"I'd also like to point out that these women were Size 9's. As you know, that number means a great deal to me, and it's possible that I simply lost my head when I saw the labels on the backs of their dresses. I hasten to add that as president I would not lose my head over anything else, unless I had to host the winning team in the World Series, in which case I'd ask the catcher to step out of the room."

"It's also clear that one of these women misunderstood my actions and words. Touching a lady's neck and shoulder while rubbing your knee against her inner thigh and asking if sometime she'd like to eat some high quality pepperoni is something I do every day with the women on my staff, and they haven't made a single complaint to my face. It's certainly never bothered Greta van Susteren."

"People are trying to make a lot of the fact that these cases were settled by someone, possibly me, and that the settlements required that these two women never talk about it. Well in 2004, some woman on Bill O'Reilly's staff sued him for $60 million for sexual harassment and produced some tapes of telephone conversations in which he related sexual fantasies he had about her. Did Bill allow this woman to drag him through a long trial, denying millions of viewers his straight -- talk for months or even years? He did not. He put his audience's interests ahead of his own and settled."

"What's important here is that notwithstanding the baseless charges that he was a sexual predator, Bill O'Reilly has survived and prospered in his chosen profession. I believe I can and will do the same as a contender for my party's nomination. There are highly respected people out there, like Ann Coulter, who are standing behind me. As Ann told Geraldo Rivera, 'I am spitting mad about this attack on Herman Cain.'"

"Well if Ann Coulter's spit is good enough for Geraldo, it's good enough for me, and I don't regard her refusal to exchange some of it in the Green Room after the show to signify that I have anything less than 99% of her support."