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Murdoch Says "Facts Are Boring"

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"Mr. Murdoch, I wanted to give you a rundown on what's come across the wires today."

"Just give me the page one stuff."

"OK. Andrew Cuomo told his girlfriend while they were in bed that he's going to marry Anderson Cooper and Mandy Patinkin."

"I didn't know Cuomo was gay."

"No, sir. I think he meant he was going to perform the ceremony."

"Won't sell. Let's make it "Andy and Andy Randy for Mandy."

"If you say so, Mr. Murdoch. The next thing we've got came from the transmitter in the upper right hand drawer of Obama's desk."

"It's about time. I had to pay Cameron a fortune to slip that in there. So what have you got?"

"The President said he's caught in the middle between the right and the left."

"That one's easy, 'Obama Admits Deformed Genitals.' Move on. I understand that we've got Keith Olbermann saying he's crazy about Reagan and gonorrhea."

"Actually, Mr. Murdoch, he was discussing Shakespeare with Bill Maher. Regan and Goneril are two of King Lear's daughters."

"Well there's our headline, "Olbermann Admits Lusting for Royals."

"I'll pass that along to Rebekkah. By the way, she called from her cell and asked me to tell you that she wants a million pounds to help pay the bills of policemen who can't turn their heads the other way."

"I have no problem with that. We need to wipe out the scourge of public servants being forced to look at what might otherwise be right in front their noses."

"Ms. Brooks also wanted me to thank you for buying every copy of the book she hasn't written. She'd like you to return the outline at your convenience."

"The next time she calls tell her I accidentally threw it into the fire with the BSkyB agreement and that if she''ll send me all the remaining copies I promise to be more careful. Let's get back to the news. Has the tap on Schwarzenegger gotten us anything?"

"Well, Bill Clinton called to tell him he knows what he's going through and that things will get better."

"OK, so we'll go with, 'Clinton Tells Arnold That a Woman Is Only a Woman but a Good Cigar Makes Her Smoke.' "

"It's a bit long, sir, but if we make that the entire article I think it will work. We might also want to consider using a picture."

"I like that. Maybe we can Photoshop a different head on the maid's body and a different body under the different head. Is there anything else we need to discuss?"

"There's an item from Washington that would have tremendous appeal for our readers. We've picked up some high profile politicians talking about having their rectums bleached."

"Fabulous. We'll do a full banner headline in red, pictures of each of the perverts just below it, and maybe a reverse perspective shot from one of the Senate chamberpots. And don't forget to use that pun. How did we get this stuff?"

"It was picked it up on a microphone under John Boehner's tanning bed while he was on a conference call with Mitch McConnell and James Inhofe."

"Oh.... Are we sure it's authentic? Have we checked this out from every angle? Has it been notarized?"

"It's as solid as anything we've ever had, Mr. Murdoch."

"Well, I think we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard than the one we hold ourselves to. I want you to put together a conference call with the press secretaries of all three of these guys and hit them with one question."

"And that would be?"

"Would your bosses mind if we ran an article revealing what they're doing with their assholes?"

"And if they say 'yes'?"

"We hand over the tapes, fire everyone associated with the story, and send over a nice fruit basket.

We have to be fair and balanced even when it hurts."