01/24/2011 05:02 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Obama Orders Shutdown of Second City

President Obama has just imposed martial law in Chicago, Illinois. According to a White House press release, "The President made this decision in light of growing evidence that the city has descended into a state of chaos and lawlessness."

When asked to detail the events that led to the decision, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that at 11 AM the President had been called out of a meeting with the leaders of the free world and told that an Illinois Appellate court had held that Rahm Emmanuel, former White House Chief of Staff, had not met the residency requirements for candidacy for the post of Mayor of Chicago.

According to Gibbs, "The President immediately grasped the seriousness of the situation and ordered deployed to the region Bill Daley, his new Chief of Staff and brother of the former Mayor of Chicago; Valerie Jarrett, his Senior Advisor and a Chicago lawyer; Austan Goolsbee, Chief White House Economist and University of Chicago Professor; Arne Duncan, Education Secretary and former Chicago School Superintendent; and Tina Tchen, the First Lady's Chief of Staff and prominent Chicago attorney. If the situation worsens significantly, there is a remote possibility that former White House Social Secretary and Chicago businesswoman, Desiree Rogers, will be asked to proofread the personnel roster."

Gibbs added, "If this initial wave of hardened veterans is unable to bring the situation under control, the president will consider signing an Executive Order directing that until March 31, 2011, the western border of the District of Columbia shall extend to Iowa."