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Secret Bachmann Memo on Tea Party's Next Campaign

07/29/2011 01:45 pm ET | Updated Sep 28, 2011

Confidential Memorandum

From: Michele Bachmann
To: Members of the Tea Party
Subject: Plans for the Future

Having succeeded in immobilizing the executive and legislative branches of the federal government, I believe it is not too early to consider where we go next.

A few of you have suggested that we attempt the "Grand Slam," a campaign to shrink the Supreme Court to five instead of nine justices; to impeach every other federal judge in the country; and to appoint replacements who believe, as we do, that when the founders of this great nation said in the Constitution that Congress couldn't confer a title of nobility on anyone, they meant Prince and Lady Gaga. And that the clause in our Greatest Document that says Congress has the power to call out the militia to repel any invasion means that we can shoot illegal immigrants.

While there is a lot about this idea that I really like, I'm a little bit concerned about the possibility that the people we choose to replace the activist judges that riddle the nation's courts may not have a total grasp of the principles that we hold so dear and that make many of us cry just thinking about.

For example, if some renegade judge were to uphold the decision of the Minnesota Supreme Court that "nut jobs," as they referred to me, are not entitled to handle sharp objects, how would we continue to cut the budget? And what if some small claims judge who misunderstood our position on abortion decided that gay people can marry each other because there is a "right to wife?"

As a tax lawyer and someone who believes that you have to earn justice and not just have it handed to you on a plate, I have great confidence that the right judges will usually do the right thing. But I also believe that lifetime tenure makes a judge believe that he has a job for life. And that does funny things to people.

My own opinion is that we need to take our success in shutting down the federal government to the next logical step: local government. Paraphrasing my friend Grover Norquist, we must shrink city and county governments to the size where we can drown them in the bathtub.

Now, I know that the mainstream press will try to "gotcha" me by pointing out that there will be no water to fill the bathtub if we shut down local government, but I'd point out that this is only a metaphor; that what I'm saying is we'll drown the government in a bucket filled with sweat we collect from the foreheads of the people who cross our borders every year to pick horned melons and durians.

When it comes to the cities, I think we need to go to the heart of the problem: garbage collection.

Having exhaustively researched the issue, I've found that the City of San Francisco could save thirty-billion dollars every week-and-a-half if it didn't pick up the garbage. And the risk of plague associated with the program could be reduced by eliminating food stamps, which are well-known causes of garbage.

These are just a few ideas that I've come up with while thinking. I'm sure those of you who have more time to think than I do will have many more. My point is that we can't simply kick back and wait for the next Social Security or Medicare reimbursement check.

There's a crisis in this country, and if we do not keep up our efforts, if we do not hold mindlessly to our positions, there may not be another in our lifetime.