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Mark Tillinger

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You Don't Get a Day Off When Your Dog Dies

Posted: 08/02/11 06:28 PM ET

I have been a dog lover all my life. In fact, the love and loss of a dog changed my life. For me and for many other people, the love of a pet can approach the depth and intensity of even the deepest human relationships. For many people, a pet is their only companion. For some, a dog or a cat is like a child they never had. For me, it is about the innocent, pure and unconditional love that the dogs in my life have given me, and that I have given them in return. In fact, as I think about the stages of my life, from my earliest memories until today, each has, in many ways, been shaped by the love of a dog. I feel extraordinarily blessed to have had so many dogs touch my life with such depth and impact.

With the deep love of a pet, however, comes the inevitable. When our pets get sick, or when they die, we experience the most human of emotions -- worry, compassion, fear, uncertainty, and ultimately, extreme grief. The depth of these emotions easily match the depth of the love we feel for our pets, and the loss of a beloved pet can feel as intensely sad as losing a family member or a close friend.

What can make this traumatic experience even more difficult is when other people fail to recognize the depth of your loss. You don't get a day off when your dog dies. Bereavement benefits are extended in the event of the death of an immediate family member -- and that is defined as a parent, parent in-law, brother, sister, spouse, child, grandparent, domestic partner, grandchild, or person in an equivalent relationship -- but not the family pet.

Our animals are with us through thick and thin. They comfort us when we're sad and they brighten our days when they greet us with delight each and every time we walk through our doors. They go where we take them and they're happy to do so, just as long as they're by our sides. They witness our arguments, our challenges, our milestones and our losses. We can be at our very worst and they do not judge us. You are always perfectly you in the eyes of your pet. Someone once described their dog as a heart with fur and I think many of us feel that way. With the domestication of animals, it seems that their main (and in some cases, only) purpose, is simply to love -- so how is the gravity of the illness or loss of such an integral part of lives not understood by all?

As I have embarked on a new phase of my life inspired by the love and loss of the most special dog I have ever known, a beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog named Riedel who lost her battle cancer two years ago, one of my goals was to create a community of support for people whose pets have been diagnosed with this terrible disease. The depth of pain I felt when I lost Riedel illuminated the extraordinary power of our relationships with our pets. It has helped to intensify my desire, frankly my need, to do what I can to help people extend their time with their pets, and when the inevitable happens, to help them deal with their grief in a supportive and dignified way - and most importantly, to know that they're not alone. This is why I started The Riedel & Cody Fund.

Cancer affects twelve million dogs and cats each year -- that means millions of pet owners are confronted with this devastating news and are left to deal with both pain as well as the sometimes insurmountable costs required to pay for treatment. Dealing with a sick pet is an excruciating process. I hope that through Riedel's legacy and my own experience, I can offer some relief to make this painful road a little bit easier for people and their four-legged family members.

 
 
 
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09:59 PM on 09/14/2011
When my cat of 21-years died, I was chastised and bullied by my boss because I was so deeply depressed. His words - "it's just a cat." "It" was my best friend, and her name was Tiggere. I thought I would die of grief, it was a year before I could look at a picture of her without crying. It's been five years and I still miss and grieve for my sweet Tiggy.
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TXanimal
Somewhere between Occam's Razor & Murphy's Law
04:23 PM on 08/11/2011
When my childhood dog died, my dad said he cried and grieved more than he did when his own mother died (and his mother was a saint!). Dogs are family members...and they treat us BETTER than family members in some cases. If I didn't think my employer would be compassionate enough to give me a half-day or so to grieve and collect myself, then I'd probably just call in sick.
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karen lyons kalmenson
i poem/paint, sometimes, i ain't
04:08 PM on 08/11/2011
people need to learn that the animals we love are sentient, intelligent beings who love us back. and when we lose a loved one, we mourn.

the attitude most people have toward companion animals...toward all animals, is appalling and needs to change, to save animal's lives and to save our world
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10:06 AM on 08/05/2011
I took a day off both times we had a cat pass. I just called in sick. It was worth the loss of a days pay just to have a day to grieve with my wife. And many people don't get it...and some do...And sometimes those people surprise you. But the loss was both times was devastating.
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10:23 PM on 08/04/2011
I feel for people who can't take a day off when their companion animal dies. I was always lucky in that I could take a day off if I needed it, and my boss and coworkers (most of whom also had pets) were compassionate. Anybody who doesn't empathize with this need is simply not worth bothering with - they are cold, heartless jerks.
04:22 PM on 08/03/2011
If you're lucky, you have co-workers who understand. I have people in my office who come in to work for people whose pet just died.
09:35 AM on 08/03/2011
Several years ago, my 18 year old cat passed away suddenly. I was devastated, as you can imagine. I am self employed so while I didn’t have to worry about time off, I think the silence in my house and the constant household reminders of my companion made things more difficult. Luckily, I am in the pet industry so I was grateful for any meeting that would get me out of the house and with people who understood what I was going through. I have to say even my “non-pet” friends were thoughtful and caring during my grief. That being said, I understand that not everyone grieves the same way and traditional employers should offer an option for pet parents coping with a loss.
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Chad Wheeler
03:21 PM on 08/03/2011
That is my wish too- bereavement for pet owners. I have a dog who I know doesn't have long and I have no idea how I will cope having to work when he goes. And I will have to, since I have basically no vacation time left after dealing with several people family emergencies this year.
11:43 PM on 08/02/2011
Thanks Mark, your article struck home with us and I know that our community at Tripawds.com, a gathering of canine amputee families, can relate to what you're saying.

In addition to dealing with amputation, most of our families are also coping with bone cancer, which is often terminal. As they make every sacrifice necessary to save their beloved companions from this terrible disease, many of their coworkers, loved ones and friends don't grasp why some people will go to these lengths "just for a dog." Sadly, lots of folks retort with nasty comments about 'putting the dog down' and 'dogs aren't meant to live that way.' That's why Tripawds exists, to provide a community of support for people who are able to share that magical cross-species bond.

The more we can get the word out that our best friends all of deserve the respect, love and medical care that we can afford to give them, the better this world will be. Thank you for all you do, your work is incredible.
07:56 PM on 08/02/2011
I thought this was a great piece. I also had a pet that meant the world to me who died of Cancer. I spent thousands of dollars trying to keep her healthy and as happy as she had made me for years. I was absolutely shocked that when she passed, I almost felt ashamed when the next day at work I was asked why I "seemed so down," only to have to explain. Some people (those with pets) were lovely and completely understood my grief. Others, however, looked at me like I had three heads, and I knew they were simply thinking to themselves, "it was only an animal." For those of us who know that those "animals" can truly become members of our families, I applaud Mr. TIllinger and the work of The Reidel and Cody Fund.