THE BLOG

What Are You Smoking if Love Is Still A Pipe Dream?

04/13/2012 06:31 pm ET

You say you want love. Seemingly, you are searching hard for it. Your friends would all nod their heads in agreement that you are doing the right things, or, at the very least, complaining loudly about it and, therefore, must care. Alas, it's all to no avail, because you have nothing but proof that there IS indeed a drought, a shortage of great partners, where the only scraps that seem to be left for you are liars, texters and bunny-boilers. Oh my.

But, what if you are so much more the mischievous maestro, the cartoon-like mad scientist, the Don Corlèone in all of this than you (conveniently) think? And, if that isn't bad enough, what if I further accuse you of being addicted to your favorite lousy theories (hereinafter called "crack") about yourself, love, the opposite sex, etc. And, what if I could find traces of your personal brand of crack in your dating profile? And, while I'm at it, what if I can prove your addiction to your brand o' crack just as easily as you have been proving that there is a dating drought? It is, after all, ALL evidenced in the history of wo/men you've dated, no?

That's right, Robert Palmer isn't the only one "addicted to love." You are addicted to something, but is it love? Nah, it couldn't be. I promise you the theory that "love is magical, easy and yours for the taking" is not currently in your pipe. If it were, you'd be happily giddy in love already or certainly, trusting, believing in and enjoying the ride there way more.

If you have always attracted or been attracted to the sub-marrying-kind and/or are getting odd wo/men responding to your dating profile, best to suspect what's in your own formula. Just like with Pandora Radio, if you don't like the songs you keep getting in your personal radio station, start suspecting it's not the program, just like it's not the online dating site or the entire island of Manhattan (insert name of your locale here) that's the issue; it's you.

Woops.

Yep, you are the only common denominator in all the men/women you've dated. You pick 'em. You attract 'em. You date 'em. Hell, many of you even marry 'em. There is a reason that song keeps playing on your figurative radio station. Best to stop looking so doe-eyed. Your fingerprints are indeed everywhere. And it's actually good news. Once you fully buy the realization that you are your problem, you can do something about you. Doing something about ALL men or your mom, well, not so much (kidding, leave your mom out of it!).

In order to figure out what your particular brand of crack is, make a list of all the women/men you've dated over the last ten-plus years (depending on how old you are). Once you've finished listing them all out, go through them, examining your previously-held theories about love, about you, about relationships, about all wo/men and about marriage that you would date, keep dating, crush on and/or suffer over this particular crew?

Truly, you wouldn't date a jerk, tolerate a temper, ignore that many red flags if you didn't have something you were getting high on and proving, right? So I'm making the case that you're more sneaky (not stupid) when it comes to love.

Nice try.

Let me give you an example of my own personal brand of crack. Back in my dark, dating days, one of my favorite lousy, highly original theories (sarcasm, people) for which I gathered years of evidence was "people don't appreciate me." Well, what kind of man do you think I dated, coveted and was attracted to? Someone who liked me? Nah. Those guys I called "friends." I didn't want to jump anyone who thought me special. The man I craved was the one who didn't turn around when I walked into the party. The one who, no kidding, washed his privates after we had sex (can't make that stuff up). Yep. That was my type. Sneakily, I handed them my heart and looked all miffed as to why I was sad and not finding love. Certainly, (cough, cough) it was the world's issue and not mine, right?!

Mwah ha ha! (mad scientist laugh).

I hope by laughing at my love antics, you can start to see your own. Here's another great place to sniff out your own particular formula; investigate your dating profile. Look to see if you managed to slip in any of the following "crack-infested" words:

Trustworthy, does not cheat, loyal, makes ME happy, takes risks, edgy, sarcastic, finds me attractive, mentally stable, not an x or a y, accepts me for me, sex does not get boring, unconditional, mutual, when things get tough he/she will go to counseling with me, no matter how often we fight, when times get hard, sticks with me through and through, ever-lasting, loyal, loyal, loyal and, what the hell, unconditional again.

In your profile, I promise you, you are fixing what didn't work in your last twenty "attempts" at love. Sneakily, you are invoking your favorite crack-y theories. Brilliantly, we are actually physically attracted to our theories. Yep, we call them in. Date them, prove them and, even innocently, complain about them as if we had nothing to do with the whole playlist.

Again, nice try.

The only way to put the crack pipe down when it comes to love is to first see with what YOU have been filling it!!

What's in yours?

Love,

Marnie

P.S.- Join me for a one-hour teleseminar, Right-ing Your Dating Profile, to begin weaning off your crack and start finding love -- for real this time.