Grandparents Vacationing with Grandchildren After Their Parents Divorce

Summer is often a time when grandparents are recruited to spend time with their grandkids. A beleaguered single-again parent deserves time off and, if money is tight, Camp Grandma and Grandpa is a logical choice. So why not offer to take the kids for a week or two, especially if you're a long-distance grandparent and/or a grandparent with the time and energy to cope with the youngsters?

Most seniors look forward to vacationing with their family. But quality time can easily morph into quarrelsome time if a grandchild's parents are recently separated or divorced. Unfortunately, the kid may be packing a wad of resentment into his beach bag when you get him. Nervous about leaving a custodial parent, missing a visitation, and the prospect of being dumped at some old folks' home can stir up all kinds of negative feelings.

So how do you get off on the right foot once you've agreed to stick out your neck? According to one market research company, Age Wave Communications, a California-based company that tracks the mature market, the five best things grandparents can do to make grandkids happy are: take them out to eat, have a sleepover, go shopping, play games, and watch TV together.

The first thing to keep in mind is you don't have to go to a five star resort or Disney Land to give kids in crisis what they really need -- consistency, security, safety, and freedom from stress. The best way to help grieving and confused grandchildren is make sure they are escaping the divorce battlefield.

Grandchildren need joy in their lives. Grandparents can provide joy by substituting for a parent who, for whatever reason, can't be there for the child. Their role is to provide love, comfort and a sense of belonging.

Especially during the first year of separation, grandparents can play an active role by enjoying the beauty and tranquility of nature like going on a camping trip. The Sierra Club, the Grand Travel agency and the Foundation for Grand Parenting offer special inter-generational vacation packages that have grown tremendously in popularity. Elderhostels and organizations for learning vacations for seniors offer more than 3000 vacations for kids and grandparents.

One tip: If you want to make sure your grandchild has a good time, and you're up to it, encourage the child to invite a friend.

In the end, your home may be the best place for entertaining your grandchild. Children going through divorce are experiencing lots of change. Often they are shuttling back and forth between parents. Many are uprooted. They may have said goodbye to friends and neighbors. They may have left prized possessions behind. Even those who stay in the same surroundings experience a change in their environments. Therefore, a familiar place may be the best vacation spot because of the sameness.

No matter where you vacation, observe the following to make sure you achieve your goal which is to enjoy your time together while binding wounds:

• Don't ply grandkids with questions about their home life. Try to be positive about the time they spend with each parent. Don't disparage either one, even if it means digging deep.
• Respect the grandchild's confidence unless he or she is in danger. It's natural for children to complain about parents who are focused on themselves. Complaining is a way of testing grandma's loyalty.
• Often children who seem fine are as deeply wounded as those who exhibit sullen or depressive behavior. Therefore look beneath the surface and be sensitive to inexplicable changes in temperament.
• Grandparents may unwittingly be perceived as the enemy if they were pulled into the divorce fray. Turn the other cheek if your grandchild lashes out and, in a fit of anger, accuses you of going to the other side. One day, when tempers cool, that angry grandkid will remember the fun time you shared. The respite you offered from the crossfire - the cookies you baked, the canoe trip you took, the outfit you bought at the mall.
• Studies have shown that grandparents, like kids, are victims of divorce. A vacation is a chance to form close bonds with the younger generation. It's a time to give your grandchildren the attention they crave and demonstrate the faith you have in their future.
Bloggers, please share successful vacations you've taken with your grandchildren during or after their parents' split. I list a number of vacation ideas in my book Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect - What You Can Do.
 

Comments

[Susan Adcox]

01:45 PM on 07/04/2011

Because we had use of a condo, we vacationed in Branson, Missouri, last year with my divorced son and his daughter. It was really a good choice as it's difficult to run out of things to do. For my part, I prefer camping trips and outdoor-oriented vacations, but for a child who is perhaps still hurting from a divorce, a entertainment hub like Branson is not a bad choice.

I must say that I am disappointed in the list of ways to make grandkids happy: take them out to eat, have a sleepover, go shopping, play games, and watch TV together. Sleepovers and games get my stamp of approval, but I would rather prepare a meal at home than eat out, I hate shopping and watching TV is at the very bottom of my list of things to do. What about taking walks, going to the playground, tossing a ball around, flying a kite, scrapbooking, doing artwork and crafts, reading, singing. . . and a thousand other activities that don't involve spending money or watching a screen!

[beediting]

10:56 AM on 05/28/2011

Ms. Temlock offers good advice to grandparents who volunteer or are asked to provide vacation time for grandchildren whose parents are divorced or divorcing. Escaping “the divorce battlefield” is important, as is giving grandchildren the attention they may crave. Along with demonstrating faith in their future, grandparents, with some advance planning, can also help build confidence, independence, and pride in new accomplishments. Comforting routines like eating out in restaurants, shopping, or watching TV are fine for stressed children whose normal routines have been altered, but finding ways to challenge themselves may ultimately be more rewarding for your grandkids. Exposing children to new activities, and raising their awareness of environmental and social issues, may connect them to a larger community and spark new interests. Look for volunteer projects in your town or city, or on a day or overnight or weekend trip. Learning new skills, whether boat building, jewelry making or origami; tennis, swimming, windsurfing, horseback riding, rock climbing or other athletic endeavors; exploring the arts through drawing or pottery classes, or trying journal, poetry, or short story writing; taking acting (or even juggling) or music lessons; or participating in cooking classes, can all bolster self-esteem, provide new experiences, and contribute to a memorable vacation.

[granny guru]

09:56 AM on 05/27/2011

These are really good, practical suggestions for sensitive grandparents to stand in when their grandchildren are coping with the effects of divorce, exactly the backup system grandparents are great at.

For suggestions about dealing with the inevitable anger that comes with divorce, may I recommend a children's book How the Mad Family Gets their Mads Out, by psychologist Dr. Lynn Namka, who specializes in anger management with children http://newgrandmas.com/?p=1428

[Deborah Moskovitch]

06:40 PM on 05/25/2011

Grandparents play a very important role in their grandchildren's lives. When the parents divorce, grandparents involvement can be even more important, providing additional support for their adult child on so many levels, that it can be extremely beneficial for the grandchildren. You might find this interview with therapist Elaine Cole discussing the role grandparent's can play, on The Smart Divorce http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/smart-grandparenting-during-divorce-and-giving-chocolate-kisses/

[jjrudelson]

02:44 PM on 05/25/2011

One of most important thing grandparents need to remember regardless of what kind of plans they make when their grandchildren arrive, don't expect the first few times to be without melt downs. It is hard for children of divorce to not be effected by more changes and adjustments. Go slow, make sure they get enough rest and try to keep a schedule that is familiar to them. Also regardless of your relationship with the other parent give them a scheduled time to communicate with both parents. When they are speaking to mom or dad give them privacy for the conversation after you say a friendly hello.
Jolyn Rudelson author of IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU: A Grandparent's Guide to Surviving Divorce in the Family