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George Zimmerman's Lawyer Prepares His Twinkie Defense Strategy "The Monty Python Defense"

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My client George Zimmerman is a very vulnerable individual weighing only 250 pounds. Fragile and delicate like a petite, gamine ballet dancer. His assailant Trayvon Martin was over 100 pounds lighter -- making him much more agile and dangerous. Furthermore Trayvon Martin was armed with a bag of Skittles AND an iced tea. These are lethal weapons. It is no wonder that my client felt so threatened. And quite understandably felt that his life was in danger.

Further, my client was raised on a steady diet of the educational television program "Monty Python's Flying Circus" in which people are taught to use a gun to shoot people armed with such frightening weapons.

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Assailant armed with a lethal banana

For example in the lesson "Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit" (Season 1: Episode 4), a man who is attacked by an assailant wielding a banana is only prevented from being murdered by shooting the attacker with a handgun.

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Dangerous banana-wielding assailant stopped by Stand-Your-Ground gun blast from a Colt 45

The same program makes clear that homicidal maniacs bearing such dangerous weapons as oranges, apples, lemons, grapefruit, pomegranates, grapes, passion-fruit, plums, cherries (both red and black) and mangoes in syrup can ONLY be thwarted by using deadly force.

So my terrified client -- confronted by a teenage boy who was eleven years younger than him and an intimidating one hundred pounds lighter -- dressed in full-military combat hoodie and brandishing an inter-continental ballistic bag of Skittles -- quite naturally flash-backed to the educational TV programs of his youth and the sequence in which vulnerable people can only defend themselves against such dangerous assailants by shooting them stone-dead with a gun at point-blank range.

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The deadly weapon (over 2,700 calories) facing George Zimmerman that he was forced to defend himself against

Given this, I say that the only possible course of action is for my client to be found not chargeable for any breach of law. Especially not the **NRA-instigated statute enthusiastically signed into law in 2005 by the admirably porcine Florida governor John Ellis Pierce ("Oh just call me 'Jeb'") Bush that guarantees all Floridians the right to blow away anyone they don't like the look of. The so-called "shoot-first-be-exonerated later" law.

Furthermore he deserves to receive profuse and full apologies for any suggestion that just because there is audio of his 911 call in which he clearly mutters the words "fucking coons" immediately before shooting to death a 17-year-old African-American boy -- he was in any way motivated by racist beliefs. He is an American hero in the same vein as Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage -- and he fully deserves to be given his own regular prime-time TV show on Fox News.

He is a gentle man who simply tried to protect his neighborhood from the dark side of life. One day -- when George Zimmerman has been exonerated of these fallacious liberal media smears -- he will be seen as a great American hero. In the vein of other patriots such as the great Oliver North... G. Gordon Liddy... Mark Fuhrman, who were all also once willfully accused of misdeeds only to be exonerated and given their own radio and TV shows.

** "NRA" - acronym for Neanderthal Reactionary Agitators