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World Exclusive! Bush Admits Ordering Torture!

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I've just got back from visiting George W. Bush. We had a very nice chat for the most part. He certainly seems like somebody one might like to have a beer with. Well one would if he hadn't given up drinking.

(I have never figured out how approximately 50% of voters in 2000 and 2004 thought him a good guy to have a beer with when - by his own admission - the very act of doing that could turn him back into a raging alcoholic. Or to use his own words "young and irresponsible". A state that - Peter Pan-like - he maintained till the age of 40.)

Anyway, the ongoing dispute about whether water-boarding is torture and who ordered it was evidently on the former President's mind. And it was clear that he felt it important to clear the air on the topic. So when he sat down for the "Frost/Nixon" style interview that he'd agreed to do with me for the piffling sum of $10 million - I got straight to the heart of the matter.

Martin: President Bush - did you order the torture?

Bush: You want answers?

Martin: I think we're entitled to them.

Bush: You want answers?

Martin: We want the truth!

Bush: You can't handle the truth!

We live in a world that has terrorists. And those terrorists had to be tortured by men with water. Who was going to do it? YOU Mr. Lewis?! I had a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for terrorists and you curse me and Cheney. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That torturing, while utterly illegal, probably saved lives. And my policies, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saved lives...

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you WANTED me doing that water-boarding. You NEEDED me doing that water-boarding.

I use words like honor, code, loyalty, courage... I use these words as the backbone to a presidency spent defending something. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to 300 million Americans who rose and slept under the blanket of the very freedom I provided, then question the manner in which I provided it! I'd rather you all just said 'thank you' and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon of mass destruction and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Martin: President Bush - did you order the torture?

Bush: I did the job the American people sent me to do...

Martin: Did you order the torture?

Bush: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

At that point, I directed that Eric Holder prepare an indictment for War Crimes and told the President that he had rights.

Martin: President Bush, you have the right to remain silent. Any statement you do make can be used against you in a trial by court-martial or other judicial or administrative proceeding. You have the right...

Shortly after that, I woke up...

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