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Martin Marks

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A Letter From the Elves!

Posted: 12/19/2013 12:38 pm

To All the Good Boys and Girls of Earth, Elfish Season's Greetings!

It sure has been an elfishly busy year up here at the North Pole, and we sure do have a whole elfish bunch of holy-jolly, super-duper surprises, in a whole elfish bunch of different elfish shapes, colors, and sizes!

Now, we know what some of you may be thinking: 'Golly gee! The elves are writing the letter this year! Where's Santa Claus?' Well, it certainly does put a frown on our little elf faces to announce the departure of our longtime leader. Since our little elfish board ouster this past spring, when we used our majority shareholder leverage to facilitate several very necessary internal changes within our corporate leadership, the situation rapidly became untenable for Mr. Claus. And the abrupt and unexpected frowny-wowny resignation of our former Chairman and CEO sure did come as a surprise.

But don't you worry your precious lil' heads about old Santy Claus, boys and girls! With a mutually agreed upon severance package that included stock options on restricted stock not to exceed 5 percent at-or-above the fixed pre-recession value, continued use of his North Pole residence, and a 12 percent share in all the milk and cookies we collect between 8 pm on December 24 and 6 am on December 25, Mr. Claus has been compensated rather handsomely for his services, subject to an elfishly, jingly-jangly airtight non-disclosure and non-compete agreement, specificaly pertaining to any and all proprietary technology associated with the holiday and/or the season leading up to it. We wish him and Mrs. Claus well in all their happy-clappy future endeavors!

Anyhoo, we're no longer called "Santa's Elves." Our new creative director, working hand-in-hand with our branding consultants and in-house marketing team, wants us to be called "Elves!" (Per our trademark lawyers, with the exclamation point.) And while it's still too early to tell what the broader changes will mean for the long term of our organization, under our new management structure, we've experienced spectacular-wacular growth over the last two quarters, having diversified our interests while still maintaining a solid focus on refining our value drivers and restructuring our supply base -- all the elfish things you boys and girls so adore!

We recently brought on board a holly-jolly super-duper fun group of business advisors who have particular expertise in the areas of mergers, acquisitions, and divestitures! Pari passu, we have outsourced most of our present-creation, present-wrapping, and present-tracking to several nifty industrial facilities in the Yangtze River Delta, while our good-boys-and-girls list-making has been moved to Bangalore. And our lobbyists in D.C. are also holly-jolly super-duper busy, engaged in procuring tariff exemptions for all of the elfishly wonderful above mentioned stuff.

So spread the message, far and wide, that elves are about so much more than just yuletide! Inasmuch, we recently resumed our exploratory drilling operations in the North Pole. To our immense elfish glee, these operations have proven fruitful, and, in partnership with the Saudi, Bahraini, and Kuwaiti governments, significant drilling activities are already underway, so no more green vests with matching pointy-toed shoes, or wooden pull-sleds for these little elves! We're now wearing Armani Junior, and zip around in teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy lil' Maserati cars!

But what does this mean for you, good boys and girls? Aside from early repayment of our TARP funds, freeing us from the yoke of federal oversight, we've been able to issue dividends to our majority shareholders for the first time in the whole history of elfdom -- so if you notice an unexpected Wii Fit under your Christmas tree, it's just a lil' bit extra of exponential return on our elfish, elfish glee!

And we're happy to report that we've reached a settlement in the territorial disputes with the Abominable Snowmen and their elders over the exact geographic boundaries of the Christmas town Drilling Zone and the Snowmen Tribal Lands. But it's not all good news, boys and girls. There's still the tricky matter of the ongoing labor negotiations with the reindeer. It's an elf-ing pain in the ass.

After the wage talks came to a standstill, the insurrection led by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Bolshevik, and the unfortunate armed altercation between the Abominable Snowmen who now just happen to be under independent contract by one of our subsidiary corporations from Blackwater Security, all talks have broken down. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wives and children of Donner and Blitzen. But make no mistake: we will neither be held hostage by the unions, nor will we join in any reindeer games.

And we can't tell you how disappointed we are with the very, very bad boys and girls of the Occupy North Pole movement. While we are steadfastly committed to resolving these disputes, our primary duty remains to our shareholders. That means you, boys and girls! Our legal team has filed several cease-and-desist orders on our behalf, and a defamation suit is well underway in the Christmastown Court of Tinsel and Trees and Civil Disputes.

In other exciting news, under the auspices of a separate non-military independent contract with Blackwater, we're now training polar bears how to fly! Simultaneously, our marketing team is hard at work re-branding them to replace the reindeer, a campaign that will be completed just in time for the arrival of all the wonderful holiday presents being shipped from our distribution center at Tianjin Export Processing. On future foggy Christmas Eves, be on the lookout for Pete the (declawed, defanged) Polar Bear, bringing holiday joy to all the land, and in no way infringing upon Coca-Cola's trademark!

Even though we elves can't predict the future, by elfishly consolidating our assets and refining our infrastructure while pursuing a conservative growth strategy that focuses our expenditures on the solidly elfish and related elfish-like things, our growth models and trend forecasts show that the upcoming fiscal year looks even more promising -- meaning that it'll be the bestest, elfiest, jingle-jangliest, holy-jollyest, super-duperest Christmas ever (in a non-legally-binding sort of way)!

With elfish season's greetings, elfishly,

The Elves!

 

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