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Martin Marks

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We Are Friends

Posted: 06/ 8/11 09:31 AM ET

An Open Letter from Colonel Gaddafi to the American People.


To the Good Citizens of the United States,

Over the past several days, I've taken time out of what has proven to be an increasingly hectic, NATO-warplane-filled schedule to address my people as to the geo-political benefits of serving as human shields, and to write your Congress a heartfelt little thank-you note for their continued support. But over the weekend, I realized something quite shocking. It has been a long time since you and I last spoke! An inexcusably long time! For this, I must apologize. You must trust me when I say that it is quite a challenge to run a modern democracy -- there are so many elaborate costumes!

Now, you might be a teeny-tiny, eensy-weensy bit angry at me. A lot of things have happened over the years, things that might be termed by some as being -- how to put this? -- "explosive" in nature, and perhaps -- though nothing can be proven -- originating from our country, kept happening. Please know that the people responsible for these deeds -- certainly not anyone that we know -- will most assuredly and decisively be punished, if they haven't been already, which, undoubtedly, they already have.

There are some who express doubt as to our most just and prudent campaign over the past several months to root out the evil that exists in our land, efforts that serve not only to protect the people of our fair nation, but also the people of the most great and magnificent United States of America, a country that, and this isn't mentioned in your mainstream media very often, we founded.

We have seen your President Obama try to explain himself to your nation, a most peculiar and baffling gesture considering how many tanks he has at his disposal. And we have also seen your Underminister of the White House, Madame Hillary Clinton, speaking her most deceitful words on the television. I will not lie. I was hurt and disheartened, especially considering how much my people love her new hairdo. Why, just the other day, I was saying that she is a most beautiful and striking and radiant woman, and it is a most breathtaking and lustrous hairdo. If I'm not mistaken, Frederic Fekkai? Nonetheless, these evil words stabbed at my heart, cancelling out some (but not all) of the love I once felt for her most gorgeous and wondrous new hair-do. It really does take ten years off.

And so, I wanted to take a few moments to let you know something very important.

We are friends, you and I. You may not realize it yet, but we are. No matter what people say, or what you may hear, our friendship is an unbreakable bond. Like a brother is to his brother, I am to you. Who would dare come between us? Who would dare tempt the furious anger and wrathful vengeance that would litter the streets with bloodied corpses and severed limbs and the burned-out shells of cars through the mere act of doubting this friendship we share? Only the foolhardy, dear friend. I now wish for you to call me Uncle Gaddafi. Or Uncie Muammar. Please, whichever you prefer.

And no matter what the Son-President Obama or the Madame Underminister with the Fabulous Hairdo say, our friendship remains intact, does it not? Of course it does! Which is why I speak to you directly, kind citizens of Americaland, about a most glorious offer, which we make, one friend to another.

As you may know, we are a very wealthy nation, with vast amounts of pure liquid money gushing forth from our oil fields. Unfortunately, thanks to the handiwork of our (increasingly peevish and most ungrateful and certainly most bothersome) son, President Obama, and his accompanying warplanes, we are no longer able to transfer this gushing money as freely as we once were. This is where you come in. In exchange for a little bit of help, and as a small token of our dear, dear friendship, we will give you a percentage of our $33 billion. That's right! A percentage of this money! For free!

So that we may begin the transfer of these funds to you, we would like for you to kindly advise us of the following information:

  1. Your full name, which we already have, but we just want to make sure we wrote it down properly, in order to ensure timely delivery of the funds you will be enjoying.
  2. Your mailing address, which will be associated with the funds we will be transferring for you to enjoy.
  3. Your telephone number, just to check in and see how you're enjoying these funds we will be transferring.
  4. Your profession, which you soon won't need, on account of the vast funds we would like for you to soon be enjoying.
  5. Your mother's maiden name, because we wish to surprise her with something nice from Harry & David's.
  6. Your social security number, to see if this number comes anywhere close to the many millions of dollars in funds we will be transferring to you, dear friend, to enjoy.
  7. Your major credit cards with all accompanying passwords/PINs, because we are friends, and friends share these things.

At your earliest convenience, we would like for you to send this information to our lawyer, the Right Honorable Dr. Ralph Smith, by e-mail at dr.ralph@groogle.co.gov.za.uk.hu.hk.com, or on his mobile fax number, +234.00.555.723.9821.4494944494.

Please be careful, dear friend. There are a lot of other former world leaders out there who might pretend to be your friend. Do not trust them. They are not your friend. We have contacted you and only you, people of America, and nobody else. Because we trust you. As a friend.

While you wait for these funds to transfer for your enjoyment, my government and I would like to tell you about another special offer. I just discovered an online pharmacy which is over 70% cheaper than any pharmacy you might find in the USA. You are not required to have a prescription! This is very exciting news! They ship anywhere in the world, with full confidential and discrete service at your fingertips! Viagra, Cymbalta, Anti-Depressing Medicines! They send high quality pharmaceutical goods right to your doorstep! Allergies, blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol, antibiotics, pain relief! Of the many medications and pharmaceutical goods you need! And you save lots of money! (Not that you'll need to save very much money once we wire your share of the funds that you will inevitably soon be enjoying.)

I am now reminded of a story. But I digress.

Should this offer not appeal to you, then perhaps you want to see pictures of women? Women as pretty as Madame Hillary Clinton? (Their hair isn't as nice.) Or maybe you'd prefer an advanced online degree from the Universidad de Guadalajara? A Rolex, just like the one your boss has, but -- fool that he is! -- far less expensive? Refinance your home loan? Invest in one of beautiful, downtown Tripoli's many timeshare options? All we will need, for any of the above, is a bank routing number to where we may wire you the many funds from our Swiss Bank account for your own personal enjoyment.

What a most wonderful, wonderful friendship you and I share! Free oil money! Private health care! Self investment and improvement! Rolexes for all! Hordes of pretty women! In light of all of these things that we wish to give you (for free!), the following announcement should come as no shock:

I have decided to form an exploratory committee for the 2012 GOP ticket.


With most sincerely warm wishes on a merry election season,

Your friend,

Uncle Gaddafi.

 

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